I should be...

Disclaimer: the main purpose of this post is for my own healing, Today is a rough day and this may be a depressing, angry, vulgar, sarcastic, weird, etc. post. I make no promises. Read at your own risk :)



Right now I should be in the hospital. I should be having contractions. I should be wearing an ugly gown laying in an uncomfortable bed. I should be yelling at someone for an epidural. I should be about to deliver my wonderfully handsome and perfectly healthy son, Zion Thomas Lorntson. But I'm not. Instead I sit here, on the floor in his empty room. Looking at the walls that never got painted and the crib filled with bedding and a diaper bag that never got used. Instead, my empty arms remind me of the loss, the pain and the reality of our missing baby boy.



BUT I also can sit here and think about his wonderful life in heaven and the fun he and Elijah must be having. I thank God that Zion only knew beauty, warmth and love in his life. From the warmth and comfort of my womb, hearing the voices of his mom, dad, sister and loved ones. He was never alone, I was always with him and still am. He never suffered, he'll never suffer the pain of a brand new tooth pushing through his gums, he'll never cry because he's hungry, he'll never have a broken heart or feel the hurt of rejection. He'll never be faced with tough choices or be tempted be the evil one. Rather, he was taken to the gates of heaven to be greeted by his savior and his brother in glory. Yeah, I think I'm jealous. And sad. And mad. And frustrated. And loved. And living in faith and a peace that can only come from knowing Jesus Christ as my Savior. Without Him, we'd be in a much uglier place and may never have found our way out of the darkness. I often think of how easy it would be for Seth to blame me for losing our sons, but he doesn't. I think about how awful it would be to deal with loss (of any kind) without hope. My heart aches for those who live their life with no hope and no comfort from a Savior.

Today the weather is cold and WINDY! A great day to lay in bed and do nothing. Probably a great day to be in the hospital delivering a baby. That's where I should be. Grace likes to pick our her own jammies for bed and tonight she chose shorts and a tank top. Her room has wood floors and is usually much colder than the other rooms so we tries to persuade her to wear something warmer. She, being tired and 2, threw a fit but we insisted she wear warmer jammies or she would be too cold. Finally, as we coaxed her into her fleece jammies I explained to her that sometimes mommy and daddy know best. It made me think about our relationship with God and how often He begs and pleads with us to understand that he knows best. We might be upset right now and want to kick and scream, but God knows best. We have to trust that, we have to believe that. We have to live that. I do believe that God has a purpose for Zion's life and that someday this will all make sense. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much. Zion Thomas Lorntson, we think about you everyday. We love you so much and can't wait to kiss your cheeks again! Have fun with Jesus and your brother and keep an eye on mommy, daddy and Grace. As you know, we need it :) I love you.

In other (seemingly lame) news: we had a psychological evaluation yesterday for the surrogacy. Amanda, Jeremy, Seth and I. I know you're all assuming we failed (as we expected), but instead...we were "easy" and "way too normal for a reality show." The Dr. asked lots of questions and we responded, sometimes with tears, sometimes with sarcasm and always with the honesty and openness that is us. Finally she said she didn't know what else to ask..we were easy, we had already talked everything through and gone about things very thoroughly. She got our "humor" and so we were making jokes about the situation and saying how we thought we could do a reality show with Amanda carrying her brother's babies and all. The Dr. informed us we were way to normal for that and no one would watch. We only met with her for an hr :) Now on to the legal work, then wait for spring to harvest some eggs :) Perhaps we should start playing the lottery in the meantime!

We got the keys to our "new house" Monday and of course, I have been there every day cleaning and organizing. Our first big task is to finish the master bathroom and start the kids bathroom. We love the house more every day and are sooo excited to get in and make it ours! Please pray for a buyer for our house SOON! The market is not good at the moment...but we know what God is capable of. Everyday that goes by and someone doesn't call about the house I get more discouraged and then I remember those same feelings when we were "waiting" for the adoption and I remind myself, it only takes 30 seconds to change your life forever. In good and bad ways, I guess. I was thinking good in this situation though :) So spread the word and someone sell our house! THANKS! :)

Seth is SUPER busy with work and feeling quite overwhelmed by it all. What a trooper. He's also been pretty funny lately. I love that man!

Anyway, as I stated in the disclaimer this was mainly meant as a healing thing for me but if you made it this far, thanks for "listening." It has been a loooong, depressing day, but as all the others, we'll make it through. And be better people for it.