I should be...

Disclaimer: the main purpose of this post is for my own healing, Today is a rough day and this may be a depressing, angry, vulgar, sarcastic, weird, etc. post. I make no promises. Read at your own risk :)



Right now I should be in the hospital. I should be having contractions. I should be wearing an ugly gown laying in an uncomfortable bed. I should be yelling at someone for an epidural. I should be about to deliver my wonderfully handsome and perfectly healthy son, Zion Thomas Lorntson. But I'm not. Instead I sit here, on the floor in his empty room. Looking at the walls that never got painted and the crib filled with bedding and a diaper bag that never got used. Instead, my empty arms remind me of the loss, the pain and the reality of our missing baby boy.



BUT I also can sit here and think about his wonderful life in heaven and the fun he and Elijah must be having. I thank God that Zion only knew beauty, warmth and love in his life. From the warmth and comfort of my womb, hearing the voices of his mom, dad, sister and loved ones. He was never alone, I was always with him and still am. He never suffered, he'll never suffer the pain of a brand new tooth pushing through his gums, he'll never cry because he's hungry, he'll never have a broken heart or feel the hurt of rejection. He'll never be faced with tough choices or be tempted be the evil one. Rather, he was taken to the gates of heaven to be greeted by his savior and his brother in glory. Yeah, I think I'm jealous. And sad. And mad. And frustrated. And loved. And living in faith and a peace that can only come from knowing Jesus Christ as my Savior. Without Him, we'd be in a much uglier place and may never have found our way out of the darkness. I often think of how easy it would be for Seth to blame me for losing our sons, but he doesn't. I think about how awful it would be to deal with loss (of any kind) without hope. My heart aches for those who live their life with no hope and no comfort from a Savior.

Today the weather is cold and WINDY! A great day to lay in bed and do nothing. Probably a great day to be in the hospital delivering a baby. That's where I should be. Grace likes to pick our her own jammies for bed and tonight she chose shorts and a tank top. Her room has wood floors and is usually much colder than the other rooms so we tries to persuade her to wear something warmer. She, being tired and 2, threw a fit but we insisted she wear warmer jammies or she would be too cold. Finally, as we coaxed her into her fleece jammies I explained to her that sometimes mommy and daddy know best. It made me think about our relationship with God and how often He begs and pleads with us to understand that he knows best. We might be upset right now and want to kick and scream, but God knows best. We have to trust that, we have to believe that. We have to live that. I do believe that God has a purpose for Zion's life and that someday this will all make sense. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much. Zion Thomas Lorntson, we think about you everyday. We love you so much and can't wait to kiss your cheeks again! Have fun with Jesus and your brother and keep an eye on mommy, daddy and Grace. As you know, we need it :) I love you.

In other (seemingly lame) news: we had a psychological evaluation yesterday for the surrogacy. Amanda, Jeremy, Seth and I. I know you're all assuming we failed (as we expected), but instead...we were "easy" and "way too normal for a reality show." The Dr. asked lots of questions and we responded, sometimes with tears, sometimes with sarcasm and always with the honesty and openness that is us. Finally she said she didn't know what else to ask..we were easy, we had already talked everything through and gone about things very thoroughly. She got our "humor" and so we were making jokes about the situation and saying how we thought we could do a reality show with Amanda carrying her brother's babies and all. The Dr. informed us we were way to normal for that and no one would watch. We only met with her for an hr :) Now on to the legal work, then wait for spring to harvest some eggs :) Perhaps we should start playing the lottery in the meantime!

We got the keys to our "new house" Monday and of course, I have been there every day cleaning and organizing. Our first big task is to finish the master bathroom and start the kids bathroom. We love the house more every day and are sooo excited to get in and make it ours! Please pray for a buyer for our house SOON! The market is not good at the moment...but we know what God is capable of. Everyday that goes by and someone doesn't call about the house I get more discouraged and then I remember those same feelings when we were "waiting" for the adoption and I remind myself, it only takes 30 seconds to change your life forever. In good and bad ways, I guess. I was thinking good in this situation though :) So spread the word and someone sell our house! THANKS! :)

Seth is SUPER busy with work and feeling quite overwhelmed by it all. What a trooper. He's also been pretty funny lately. I love that man!

Anyway, as I stated in the disclaimer this was mainly meant as a healing thing for me but if you made it this far, thanks for "listening." It has been a loooong, depressing day, but as all the others, we'll make it through. And be better people for it.

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

She's pooping :)

Hang on to your hats, some big announcements are heading your way:

But first...

Oh how the days come and go, one day hot the next is cold, leaves fall, sun sets and rises, we sing, pray and tuck Grace in to bed and it seems moments later she is calling to me to "Open a door momma!" About once every couple months I get what I call the "stay at home mom blues" which just means I wake up each morning with a sigh and wonder how to make today different and exciting. I'm there now...fighting to keep my almost 2.5 year old (going on 16) busy, educated, entertained and thriving. Don't get me wrong--being a mom is the best job EVER! But sometimes...I'd like to talk to an adult, watch something other than Dora on TV and not be a playground for just a few minutes. I realized a while ago that if a stay at home mom got paid, she'd need to be paid the salaries of the following jobs: teacher, counselor, nurse, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper, youth minister, receptionist, accountant, activities director, chauffeur, hair stylist, Pastor, coach, personal assistant, handy man, and so on...that'd be some good money :) But when it comes down to it, being a mom is a priceless job and I wouldn't change it for anything. And speaking of money...we had a meeting with our insurance agent this week to make sure we aren't paying for things we don't need...RIGHT, cause we all know insurance agents #1 concern is us not wasting our money. Anyway, the one thing I learned from that meeting: it is DARN expensive just to live. Life insurance, health insurance, car insurance, homeowners insurance, umbrella policies, mutual funds, IRA's, and child's education funds. And that's all just if you want to live "responsibly." Not to mention mortgage, groceries, gas, cell phone, Internet, student loans, clothes, haircuts, toiletries...all the basics. SHESH! I wonder why there are so many people in financial trouble. K, that was a joke...I figured it out :)

In other news, in case you didn't catch it on Facebook...we signed a purchase agreement for a new house in Gilbert. It's about 3x bigger than ours, 20 years newer and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! The house wasn't even for sale yet but we got word it was going to be and made our move. The house was being completely updated and so there a lots of little projects to finish: tiling bathrooms, trimming, closet shelves, basement carpet, painting and there is no kitchen. Luckily, Seth is a carpenter and we can do all that stuff. So we signed this purchase agreement and are "renting" the house from now until Feb 1, which we set as the tentative closing date. We get the keys Monday and will be spending our free time there working on projects. We haven't sold ours yet, but Bob (the current owner) is very willing to work with us and make sure we can get the house, as we need the money from this house for down payment for the new house, etc. Plus TWO mortgages MIGHT, just MIGHT be more than we can handle :) I'm interested to see how the timing all works out, but thanking God for this opportunity and Bob's flexibility. Please, please, please pray we sell our house ASAP! And spread the word about an awesome house for sale in Gilbert :) Anyway, we are really excited and clinging to God to work out the details.

This Wednesday, is October 27th and the day we had picked to be induced with Zion...a flood of emotions fills me just thinking about it. It's weird to think how different life would be right now if things had gone according to plan...MY PLAN :) We'd be packing our hospital bag, making sure we had proper arrangements for Grace, I'd be frantically finding the perfect placement for each baby item and lie awake each night with anxious excitement. We certainly wouldn't be singing off on a new house or making plans for trick or treating. But alas, God's plan prevailed and here we are...wondering what could have been. The pain of losing Zion (and Elijah) still fills our hearts and always will, but the joy of knowing they are constantly wrapped in the arms of Jesus overpowers the pain now and we can more easily see God at work through our losses. Nonetheless, this will be a tough week. A few weeks ago we were in the car and all the sudden, our of no where, Grace says, "Zion up there." as she points to the sky. I thought she said Sonya so I asked her to repeat it and again she said, "Zion up there." I said, "Oh yeah! Zion's in heaven isn't he?" She continued to look up to heaven and chant, "Zion! Zion! Zion! Miss my Zion. Zion my favorite!" I was in awe. A 2 year old can generally only think about what they see or repeat things they have recently heard. But this was out of nowhere, it blessed my heart to know that her brother meant so much to her and still impacts her life. Proof that he lives, he lives in our hearts and through the Holy Spirit. And as we face the days ahead we grasp that knowledge and the promises of God.

Shortly after Zion passed away Seth mentioned he thought maybe a small "for the better" about losing Zion was that God had a house for us and we were supposed to move before having more kids. You know, the twins. Wait! You don't know about the twins? Well my mom has twin brothers and my dad has a twin brother/sister and Seth's dad was a twin so it was always assumed we'd have twins. But just to up the ante...

WE HAVE BEGUN THE (long) PROCESS OF INVITRO FERTILIZATION w/A GESTATIONAL CARRIER. Translation: a surrogate mother. The mother: Amanda Jennings (Seth's sister). We have spent countless hours praying, talking, researching, seeking guidance and joking around, of course about Amanda being a surrogate mother for us. There sure is a lot of information out there, shesh! On Monday, September 20th Amanda, Jeremy (her husband), Seth and I went to Mid Iowa Fertility for a "consultation" about surrogacy. We were all pretty "for" the idea, but we still had some questions, LOTS of them, actually and prayed before we went in that God would lead the way. And He did. All our questions were answered and any doubts put to rest. We knew it would be a lenghty process and wanted to get moving, but we still were missing 1 piece of the puzzle...the cost. The woman that does all the insurance stuff was gone so she'd have to email us about the cost, etc. Finally, the numbers came in and according to information we were given the cost will be comparative to adoption, including insurance for Amanda, medical bills, etc. We were painfully aware that we do NOT have $30,000 at our disposal and the painful truth is that had to be considered. Would we seriously not be able to have more children because of that? After talking with our parents we were assured that the money could not stop us. They were willing to pull money out of their retirement or whatever needed to be done. So...we took another step out in faith and took the first of many steps. See (beware of graphic material, to come) the sperm has to be frozen for 6 months to check for STD's, etc. before you can do anything else, so we figured we should at least get that started. The whole thing is a little funny to me, because we know for 100% that we have no STD's but thanks to the rest of slutty America :) we have to comply with FDA regulations and freeze sperm too! :) Next, comes the psychological testing. All 4 of us have to meet with a psychologist to be evaluated. We are pretty sure we won't pass that portion :) Then there are legal forms and lawyers, then later this winter Amanda and I will have to be on injections/medicine to prepare our bodies. We are hoping to be able to transfer 2 embryos to Amanda's NON hostile uterus in April sometime. We are hoping for twin boys. Not that I think twins would be fun, but at $30,000 a pop...we're gonna have to start doubling up here! :) Anyway, we are excited about the adventure and praying, above all, God's will be done! Also, that it would start raining cash :)

So there, you have it...the big announcement and all the extras. Can't keep up with our life, eh? Me neither.

Ladies and Gentlemen...WELCOME TO SIX FLAGS!!!

Oh! Wait! No. Nevermind. That's just my crazy life! They seem to have much in common: it's (life, mine anyway:) like a roller coaster with it ups that get the adrenaline going and the downs that make your heart sink. Violent turns and dark tunnels that always turn into light again. It's like a tilt-a-whirl or the teacups, spinning out of control. Am I up? Down? Left? Right? As an army of people stand and watch me spin out of control. Eventually, the ride stops and after a few stumbles you can stand straight again. It's like the little kid begging for some cotton candy...sometimes I just wanna scream and throw a fit cause I don't get what I want but eventually move on and realize it's probably for the best. And at the end of the day...you're tired!

I can not believe it's already mid October and each day is another day closer to October 27th, which is the day we had set to be induced. Though I think that will be a day of great sadness and mourning (like many others) we are feeling very differently than we had been just a month ago. We are filled with hope again and rejoicing that our sons are in their perfect home! Our eyes are now open to the future and anxious to see how God will use their precious lives to bring glory to Him.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, which perhaps you didn't know because the sea of pink ribbons for Breast Cancer blinded your vision. I mean I'm ALL FOR finding a cure for breast cancer (and ALL cancer, of that matter) but the pink garbage cans are an indication that we are all very aware of breast cancer. Don't get me wrong, if we had garbage service I would have been first in line for a pink garbage can. Perhaps, I'm a little bitter because while we talk freely about such things as cancer, heart attacks, car accidents, etc. it seems the subject of pregnancy and infant loss is a bit taboo. It wasn't until after we had lost Elijah that many dear friends came forward about their losses too. There are SO many people who suffer the loss of a pregnancy or baby and SO many who never get to properly grieve because they can't talk about it. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the past few weeks and have come up with a few thoughts: I think a lot of the reason the subject is so taboo is because of the big debate of life and when does life start? To many, a pregnancy isn't even a life so of course, it's no big deal. To many, if you don't KNOW the baby it should be easy to deal with. Well let me tell you...any married woman who has taken a positive pregnancy test knows that there is life inside of her. She immediately begins planning her unborn child's future and has hopes and dreams for her baby. It's real, it's a baby! And when you go in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and hear a very clear heartbeat...that's a real baby! And from that moment on, you spend every second of your life getting to know that baby. And now matter how you look at it: we have buried 2 children, we have planned 2 funerals for our children, we have chosen 2 headstones, we visit our children at the cemetery...that's nothing to be overlooked. My heart breaks for all those who feel they can't talk about their loss and aren't surrounded by the wonderful support we have. I feel called to create awareness!!! Not for ourselves, but to bring to light the value of precious lives lost each day and the grieving families whose dreams are crushed. To create awareness that pregnancy and parenting is not something that should be taken for granted. As we have spent the last couple months praying about what to do next, we have been forced to balance our check books and itemize what we can live without so that we can fund the process of having more children. We've had to compare costs of adoption vs. surrogacy. Do you know what that feels like? Do you know how it feels to think that your dreams could be stolen because you don't have $25,000 on hand? Do you know what it feels like to have to process all that when everyone around you is able to have kids "normally?" I spent many nights crying my eyes out at the thought of not having more kids because we lack an enormous savings account. Praise the Lord, we are blessed with a family who would not let that happen. But it started me thinking about all the people that are faced with infertility/cannot carry children and how many people have to kiss their dreams of being a parent goodbye because of the costs. So...here's my mission:

There had been talk of doing a fundraiser to help us with the next phase of Lorntson babies: Operation Lorntson Babies, we shall call it :) So I was thinking about that...and had an idea. So say there is a fundraiser for Operation Lorntson Babies in which we need to raise $25,000. Anything above that could be rolled into a new account. A fund. A fund which would continue to grow and go to help people struggling to become parents pay for adoption or IVF treatments. It could turn into a whole organization. We could go around speaking to people/events to raise money and AWARENESS of the reality of pregnancy and infant loss as well as infertility. We would name said organization something clever after Elijah and Zion and would use the organization to get into topics such as teen pregnancy and pro life. We would change the world...even if all we ever do is provide enough money for 1 family to go through IVF or if 1 person hears our story and comes to know Christ or begins to see the value of life in a new light. I get giddy just thinking about it. I have NO idea how to start, where to being, who to talk to or anything, but I know God has planted a seed in my heart and I am praying he will do the same for others and pave the way to change the world, on behalf of my precious sons and to the glory of God! WHO'S WITH ME!?!?!?!?

The roller coaster continues as we wait for word on the house situation. I lay awake every night dreaming about this house and praying that God would bless the situation and I believe He will. At this point we are waiting for word on a final price and as we all know...I am REALLY GOOD at waiting. Hence, the no sleep :) Sooo we wait and trust. The same is true with our path to Lorntson Babies. The word is still not public yet, but a process has begun (a lenghty one, indeed).

And during the level, even stretches on this crazy roller coaster there is Seth, the laid back, football watching, loves to eat, carpenter who we look to as our leader and support. There is Sonya, the social bug, loves to laugh, tries to maintain order, mom. There is Grace. Our everything. The light in each day, the reminder of God's power and hope. She's almost 2.5 now and most days I stare at her and beg her to stop growing so fast. She can count to 10 in English and mostly Spanish (thank you, Dora). She can tell you about the seasons. Winter=snow, summer=hot, fall=leaves fall, spring=rain. She, though stubborn as can be with a temper that is hard to match, has a super sweet personality and always hugs her dance and tumble teacher and is always up for a kiss. She loves to tell you how much she misses you and talks about "my friends" all the time. She is good about using her manners and especially loves to "Bless You" if you sneeze. She is LOVING volleyball games and can't wait till she gets bigger so it can be her turn to play. Though she thinks all sporting events are baseball games (thanks Emmy:). Ah, I could go on for days about my precious daughter...but if you've met her you know how awesome she is :) hehe!

I would apologize that my blogs are always so long but you know me...and you still opened it so your loss :)

Glimpses

Ahh...the weeks come and go and for the past few days I've been happy. Happy, smiling and laughing. There are still moments of overwhelming pain at the loss of Zion and my arms still ache to hold my son, but God has given us glimpses of hope and promise, filled us with peace and surrounded us with continual love.

Yesterday Seth and I headed to NE Iowa to attend the UNI vs. SDSU football game. My dad and many aunts, uncles and cousins attended SDSU and my mom, brother and I went to UNI so we've made a family tradition of going to the game. As we were driving, clouds filled the sky and I happen to glance up and notice a great big cloud that seemed a little darker than the rest...I did a double take and upon second glance saw a baby formed in the cloud...the exact replica of an ultrasound picture of a baby. I couldn't believe my eyes...I stared and finally said to Seth, "Do you see this cloud." I didn't even point the cloud out and he said, "The one that looks like a baby?" We just sat there in silence knowing that our sons were watching over us and that cloud held a promise. A GLIMPSE of children to come, our children, our future baby. Earlier in the week we had taken the first of many steps down the path to more Lorntson children. The details are still on hold...wait for the news :) I couldn't stop smiling and thanking God for sending such a wonderful GLIMPSE and reminder of our precious sons.

We met up with my mom, dad, brother, uncle, aunts and cousin and spent the day talking, laughing and watching football. The entire way home I couldn't stop thinking about family. What a wonderful blessing family is and what a great GLIMPSE of God's love for us. No matter what's going on in life, no matter where you are...family is there with their unconditional love and support. We don't all share the same values, have the same talents, share religious beliefs, make the same amount of money, we're all at different places in life and we all have different priorities, but we all love each other. I thought about everything we've gone through with Zion and how being with family brings an aura of peace an overwhelming sense that, "It's OK." A powerful feeling of love that can't be beat or taken away. I pray that each and every person has a sense of family and can enjoy that love. If not, feel free to join mine :) I went to bed last night happy! Really, truly happy, hopeful and refreshed! I was so thankful for the GLIMPSES of hope and heaven!

We have been fervently praying for a house, knowing exactly what we want and knowing timing is everything and there is a good chance we'd have to settle for something. In my last blog I mentioned we wanted a ranch house in Gilbert and shortly after that I received 2 leads on houses that weren't for sale yet, but might be coming up. We immediately moved on one and LOVE it! It's perfect in every way and we have (informally) worked out a great scenario for selling our house/buying theirs, etc. I don't sleep at night because I'm so excited about this house! Now, the current owners had been fixing up the house and in the meantime found another house so their is work left to be done, oddly enough Seth is a carpenter so it'd be great for us. We were going to go to Lowe's today to scope out some tile, etc. and somehow, some time along the way the clouds rolled in and Satan attacked! We had been walking through the details of getting the house, etc. and the question arose - what if we don't sell our house on time? My mind flew and before I knew it I was balling telling Seth to go home! We weren't going to get the house! It won't work out! I think Seth was a little shocked at my sudden change of heart and persisted we still go to Lowe's but I got more and more upset and we finally headed home. Somehow along the way a fight ensued, emotions were high and before I knew it we were both crying, driving home and not knowing why. I called my mom who was able to calm me down and remind me that we are still on an emotional roller coaster. Of course, because of what happened with Zion, we are going to assume things won't work out, negativity is going to out way positivity. I kept telling myself that this house was God's answer to prayer, handed to us on a silver platter...what could go wrong? But all the sudden I remembered being secure with being pregnant and that being taken away. Would God dangle something that appeared "perfect" in front of us and then take it away? It had happened before. My heart was involved and I had let myself trust again...it scared me. Granted, it's just a house...but the principle is the same. I prayed and prayed and insisted Satan get out of my life and that God would fill me again and before long we were at a place of peace again. The fact remains there are NO guarantees in life...NONE. But sometimes, you take a leap of faith, you have to trust and when you really want something...do something about it. I am going to choose to not let Satan take joy and faith away from me and as we head down the path to a new house, a fresh start and more children I'm working on trusting again...knowing that God holds my heart, that He hears my cries and wants the very best for me. That doesn't mean I'll get my way, but that means it'll be worth it. So you know, though it was a rough day I am thankful for another GLIMPSE of the love of family, importance of trust and faith and the strength of a good marriage.

Please pray that God would provide a buyer for our house ASAP!
Please pray God would bless the journey and prepare us for more babies!!!!! :)

Please take time to enjoy your family, look at the clouds and GLIMPSE heaven! Let your heart trust and be positive! Don't let Satan take your joy!