A month later...

I realize it has only been a couple of days since I even got Zion's blog finished and here I am again. A lot of people have been asking how we are doing so I thought I'd just put it out there.

Seth: Seth has been super busy with work all summer and of course, being off work for nearly 2 weeks has put him behind. Most people are pretty understanding, but still everyone wants their projects done yesterday so he is pretty stressed out about that. He does love what he does which also helps in the grieving and keeps his mind busy.

As soon as we got home from the hospital I noticed Seth really clung to Grace and rarely let her out of his sight. He lights up everyday when he comes home from work and she runs up to him yelling, "My daddy home!" Of course, he feels like he has to be strong for us, and he is. He is such a positive person and is easily able to find hope in every situation, which is a great encouragment to the more pessimistic among us :)

Seth has been pretty funny lately saying things like "I don't really have much of a conscience anymore anyway" and when talking about our desire to move he said, "I wanna gouge my eyes out when there are more than 4 people in this room! It's too small!" We have been talking about moving for some time now. Our house was for sale last spring and we planned to build, then I got pregnant and we took it off the market. Now I'm realizing moving would be super stressful during our child "bearing" years and would like to move up a step and then build, Seth agrees but I know he has a hard time settling when he knows his capabilities.

Grace: Grace is still having a hard time at night and during the night, but is getting better. Our friend, Connie gave Grace a bear upon Zion's passing and it plays "You are my Sunshine" Grace loves to sleep with her "Zion Bear" and we made up actions and we sing along to "Zion's song." She still talks about missing her brother and from time to time will ask about the baby in my tummy.

Last week, she started Tumble Bugs and Little Stars Dance through the city of Ames. She LOVED them both and we all know she hammed it up big time. I am looking forward to getting back to a normal schedule with less Dora and more crafts, games, reading, etc.

Me: I am doing OK. I have definately hit depression mode and it takes every ounce of energy I have to keep up with Grace until nap time, when I pray I get a nap too. The other day I went to get a bowl of cereal and stood in the kitchen for a few minutes wondering how to go about it. I couldn't figure out where the bowls where. Seriuosly! I never know what day it is and sometimes I think if someone asked, I wouldn't know my name. I'm pretty crabby most of the time (mostly with poor Seth). I am aware that I am depressed and I try to find joy in the little things and remind myself this will pass. We are going to counseling 2x a week which is helpful and of course our faith and the prayers of all we love make each day a little sunnier.

I have realized I can not handle normal things yet. This past weekend I went to the mall-I don't wanna go in stores that sell baby boy clothes, I don't wanna go places I went when I was pregnant, I don't wanna see pregnant teenagers or people who are mean to their kids. I want to walk up to each waddling pregnant woman and remind them not to take it for granted. I want to stop every selfish teenager/college kid wandering around like they own the world and punch them in the face. How dare people carry on with life! ;) I don't want to follow through with plans we had made when we were pregnant: i.e. the Deal Orchard Fall Festival. We have taken Grace the last 2 years and we all love it. We look forward to it all year. This year, every time I thought about it, Zion was with us, I was super pregnant and wouldn't want to walk around all day, we could pick out a pumpkin that matched my growing tummy and get a baby one for Zion. But now, I can't go. Not without Zion...it's not the way I pictured. I haven't been able to bring myself to go to a football or volleyball game because, again, when I thought about those things I would be attending with Zion and my big belly. I don't wanna go now. Not without Zion. I have literally been invited to 4 small groups now and have no desire to go to any of them. I don't want to be in groups of people because I never know when a wave of pain will take over. Plus, I know I'm not myself and I don't want to expose others to my bad attitude right now. I don't even want to go to Target. Mostly, I want to be home...with my family or friends that stop by. Now, amidst all of that, there are moments of joy. I think about my precious son's in heaven and how they never suffered here, how they have the perfect home we only long for. We talk about the future, will we adopt? What about surrogacy? We talk about moving...making new fresh memories in a new house. Leaving behind the bedrooms that were meant for our sons. We watch funny movies and laugh from time to time. And we can't help but think of how blessed we are.

We are walking through the valley...but we ARE walking and we see a glimpse of light ahead. Sadness is still very prevalent, but we have been able to let go of some of the anger and focus on the God who promises good to those who love Him. We are anxious for God to reveal His plan...we know more children are in our future and are excited to see how that comes about. We have a lot to look forward to in the next year and while it's hard to make plans again, we have to hold on to hope. So, we are doing OK. We are blessed, we are loved, we are hopeful.