Babies! Babies! Everywhere???

Be careful what you wish for...

I am sure most of you hop on your computer daily to see if there is a Lorntson Family update and it has been killing you that it's been nearly a month since the last one. Well count your blessings because today is your day! And...be careful what you wish for :)

So we are in full swing adoption mode. A stack of papers to fill out, fingerprint cards, background checks, reference letters, home study, essay questions and all....let the games begin...or continue. So, a little over a week ago we got a letter in the mail from Jennifer! It was so great to have our first communication with her and she just expressed her excitement and made sure we knew that she is taking good care of the baby. An excerpt from letter #1:
"I'm not exactly sure what else to write as this is a new area for me! I'm very very excited to be giving you this gift and Jane made me feel comfortable after meeting with you. Oh, I mentioned to Jane that I can have 2 people in the delivery room with me. Sonya, if you'd like to be there as my 2nd person that would be great. Sorry Seth, no men :)"

And then late last week we got a phone call from Jennifer! I was really worried that a phone call would be awkward, but it wasn't at all! She was super bubbly and sounded soooo excited about everything. She was sarcastic/funny and we totally hit it off! She said her ultrasound was supposed to be last week but because of the weather it got postponed. We are anxiously waiting to hear. We didn't get to talk long since they have a phone allowance of sorts, but it was great to hear her voice...it made things so much more real.

Today we got another letter and a really sweet card from her too! Excerpts from letter #2:
"Here is a bit of exciting news, I'm feeling the baby 'flutter' more & more now. It started a couple of days ago. It was very active until I started humming and singing to it. I talk to the baby and so does my roommate. We are constantly telling it he's a BOY! :) I'm trying as I really want to give you a boy!"
Thank you for all the prayers you have passed on to me, maybe they can pray for that appointment too! LOL! I pray for you all also as I'm very blessed to have found your family to give the happiness and love this baby so deserves. I tell people what I'm doing as I consider this baby yours and call you the baby's parents...."

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right??? I am just in awe of what God is doing through this woman! We are just thrilled and are PATIENTLY awaiting June :)

In the meantime we still have 2 houses to worry about and 1 feisty toddler! A few Grace moments:

--Saturday am she goes in the bathroom, shuts the door and is "hiding from a monster" which apparently actually means pooping pants. I'm getting her cleaned up and she's being all giggly and I said, "Grace, I'm kind of upset that you pooped in your pants." She touches my arm and says, "Oh mom. I'll sing you a song so you feel better. Twinkle twinkle ok? Twinkle, twinkle little star........."

--She was having lunch with a little buddy whom I was watching the other day. They take a few bites and she yells, "STOP! Stop! We need a pray. Dear God, thank you so much a day. Thank you a friends. Amen. Ok, you can eat now."

Just a couple highlights...or I would never stop. She's pretty great! And a bit of a challenge from time to time! :)

Oh, hey, since we don't' have enough going on...we have decided to get our foster care licence! Looong story but when it comes down to it, after a couple random visits with friends who had been or are foster parents, I laid awake one night very aware that that's what we were supposed to do. So, why not jump in feet first, right? We're hoping to start the 10 week series of classes in March. Wooohooo!

So hey, if that didn't fulfill your drama quota for the week, let me know and I'll be happy to load you full of unnecessary drama from my latest addiction, "The Bachelor"

Good night and God speed! :)

Herrrreeeeee we goooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Update #600793

House(s): We now live in the Jensen house and LOVE it. Rothmoor house still has not sold, please buy it :) We ended up getting a realtor, so we're hopeful that will help...and cost more $. At this point...we just need to get it off our hands so we can move on. I had a brilliant idea that someone could buy it and rent it out....so spread the word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's get this done :)

Mayo: We went to Mayo Clinic this past Monday to see a perinatologist to try to get some more answers and a glimpse to the future of our baby making future. Dr. Rose was AMAZING! He was soooo knowledgeable, honest, helpful and compassionate. He said that aside from street drug use, drinking and smoking (which obviously, is me in a nutshell:) there is no rhyme or reason for what happened with Elijah or Zion. He said more often than not it strikes perfectly healthy people for no reason. Therefore, there are really no preventative measures. He said IF I did get pregnant I would need to be seen every week starting at 20 weeks. If my blood pressure started to go back up they would give injections to speed the baby's lung development...but that would only prolong delivery a couple weeks. (Because early onset preeclampsia, as with Elijah) is at least 40% likely to reoccur. So, there is a good chance we could only get to 30 weeks at best...maybe a 3lb baby. Which then presents it's own problems. Then there was the fact that both preecalmpsia and placental abruption are potentially fatal to the mother. After long discussions and thoughts from family and friends....we made the decision to NOT try again...ever. Too risky for my health and the odds of ever having a healthy baby aren't very good. We feel blessed that God gave us the heart for adoption and that we are OK with not having biological children, whereas some people would rather not have kids if they can't have their own. So, we are taking that and going with it. We are still hoping for a surrogacy try someday but for now.................

Adoption: We met with Jane tonight and found out that Jennifer and Jane had decided WE are the couple to adopt Jennifer's baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jane assured us that Jennifer does not want to/nor can she keep the baby and is excited to be able to give us a baby. We had met with our lawyer earlier this week to see what the process would entail. So here goes: we will hire a Certified Adoption Investigator who will meet with/counsel Jennifer and hunt down the birthfather to get his signature. There will be papers to sign...that's about it. We are planning to be at the hospital when the baby is born and bring him/her home then. Jennifer does not want to see the baby or have any contact after it's born. As with Grace's adoption there are a few waiting periods: the birthparents can NOT terminate their rights until 48 hrs. after delivery. Then they have 96 hrs. after that to change their mind...no questions asked. Once that period passes, we should be in the clear. Obviously, we will have a counselor working with her to do everything we can to ensure she won't change her mind. Jennifer is 37 (same age Grace's birthmother was when she had her) so is at a much easier age to handle these kinds of choices. We are optimistic that she won't change her mind. The harder part, for us, is waiting to get through the pregnancy. She is only...maybe 16 weeks along right now and we sure now how things can change. PLEASE, PLEASE join us in praying for Jennifer. For her decision, her mental health and for a health pregnancy. She is due June 17th and will deliver in Iowa City. We are cautiously excited, to say the least. She will have an ultra sound here in the next couple weeks and we'll get to find out the sex of the baby and see pics :)

And so our dramatic story goes....
God bless you for reading this and praying, and joining us on our journey.

Oh, HOPE!!!

Let me start with some funny/cute quotes from the day.

*I get out of the shower, pull my underwear out of the drawer and Grace exclaims, "Hey! Jack has those undies!" Looking at the undies with the black lace and tiny pictures of lipstick I ask her to confirm . "Are you sure Jack has these same undies?" Grace: "Yes!"

*As we are rounding the corner to Jack's house. "Whoa! Hang on to your helmets everybody!"

*After going potty Grace says, "I don't have a butt." We tell her this often because her pants don't fit because she has no butt :) I asked her where it went. "It fell off in the potty."

*As I was trying to get Grace to sleep she is blabbing on and on about nothing and suddenly once again points up and says in a whiny voice, "I want my brothers come down. I want them to sleep with us." I teared up and she rolled over and gave me a big kiss.

Moving right along, you will be surprised to find out that this is a blog about HOPE. I've been thinking a lot lately about all the people I know who have lost babies and loved ones and thought, maybe, just maybe God wants us to share about the HOPE that has sprung from tragedy in our life. So here goes nothing. It's probably about time I say something positive anyway :)

I was reflecting tonight about how HOPE, in fact, came to us in the form of a baby. A baby, from the moment of conception is a tiny bundle of HOPE. HOPE for their future, HOPE for the love you will share, HOPE for the life they will lead. The HOPE of salvation for all mankind was indeed, a baby....

A baby = HOPE. Until that HOPE is shattered. I remember very well the horrific, immobilizing pain that took over me after we lost our first son, Elijah (and obviously with Zion too). I remember wondering if I would ever smile again, if I would ever feel happy or grasp HOPE, if I would ever be able to stop wiping tears from my eyes. We prayed and prayed and prayed and were being lifted up in prayer too. We repeated Philippians 4:6-7 over and over and over again.

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God which transcends all human understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Focusing on the peace of God. We needed that. And one day, it came. The peace of God came over us. We couldn't explain it, but it came. And it felt good. And it didn't make sense. But we took a deep breath and forged ahead. Now the pain was not (and never will be) gone, but it was surely a lighter load to bear. We held on to that HOPE and followed where God led. At that point we had NO idea that what God had in store of us would be a joy so much greater than any other emotion ever known. But on June 3rd, 2008 we found out. HOPE was born, that day through a woman named Betty who selflessly decided her daughter needed more than she could give. Betty saw something in us that lead her to allow us the honor of bringing her daughter, our daughter, Grace Eliah home. And in that 3 minute phone call we indeed, felt more joy than ever could compare to the sorrow that overtook us just months prior.

"Cause the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming..."

(Before the Morning by Josh Wilson)

We met our daughter and saw Elijah in her. His life and death had brought us to this most amazing moment. HOPE was alive. In a tiny baby. God had never left us, but was rather, orchestrating a grand plan, His plan, a plan to save lives. We like to think of ourselves as Elijah and Zion's birthparents. We carried them, delivered them and then "let" them go to a better home. (I'd say the main difference is we didn't choose to let them go and honestly I don't know if given the choice that's what I would have picked.) But we can live every day with the HOPE of heaven, the HOPE in knowing that Jesus is holding our precious loved ones and the HOPE that we will see them again.

Believe me, I KNOW that often times HOPE seems far far away, like a dream. But with every ounce you have cling to HOPE and don't let go and I promise that someday the pain will be a memory and joy will overcome you and HOPE will fill your heart again. Imagine being a poor virgin woman and trying to explain to people how you got pregnant. I imagine there was a time of great pain for Mary and what she was going through. But the HOPE that was born months later was certainly, I think, worth it! So we have to hold on and believe in God's grand plan, cling to HOPE and pray for peace.

That being said, I'm still struggling quite a bit with the loss of Zion. I'm having a harder time this time clinging to that HOPE. I know it's there and I know that's what I need...but maybe I refuse to hang on because when you choose to live by faith, sometimes you get hurt. But then...sometimes...you get a miracle.

May you search and find the HOPE in the Christmas season, cling to that HOPE in your life and may HOPE be restored to all mankind.

I've also been thinking for a while about a top 10 list of sorts. A funny/sarcastic but yet true list of things to say/not to say to someone who has lost a baby, struggling with infertility, etc. Here goes. PLEASE note this is meant lighthearted and though they are true, it's just meant as a sarcastic thing...read accordingly :)

DO NOT SAY:
#1. Well at least __________ (fill in the blank. ie. you have one child, you have your health). NO! There is no at least! I want a baby and I don't have one so shut up!

#2. Yeah, it's probably a good idea to wait a while. Umm..no! It's not a good idea, it's necessary. I don't want to wait to try to have more children, I am being forced to against my will. Maybe it's a good idea for you.

#3. God has a plan, trust God, etc. I am well aware of God's plan. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior a long time ago and I am well aware that He has a plan and it's better than I know...but you don't have to remind me. Sometimes, I just wanna be mad.

#4. Well on 16 and pregnant...or teen mom....or any of those other stupid shows. No! I do not want to hear about some kid who got pregnant and is now making money by exposing and glamorizing that life. Some of us fight with all we have for a baby and you accidentally get pregnant and get a show about it. Gross.

#5. He/she is in a better place. Yes, I know. And honestly that is sometimes all that gets me through. But again, you don't have to remind me. I want him HERE, in this place. So unless you can make that happen, hush!

TO SAY:
#1. That SUCKS!
#2. I'm sorry.
#3. You can have my baby.
#4. Oh, here is $50,000 so you can adopt or otherwise pursue a family.
#5. Wow! You look good! :)

I think I deterred from my original HOPE message, but I hope that if you've lost a baby, struggle with infertility (or whatever the case may be) you can find HOPE in stories like ours, in everyday miracles and in the HOPE that was born in a lowly manger so many years ago.

Quick update/prayer request

Hello all and thank you for following our crazy journey!

Just a quick follow up/update from the last post:
I have contacted Jennifer's friend, Jane and requested she meet with us and at least give us a chance to adopt this baby. She agreed and said she would be in contact sometime next week.

Please continue to pray that first and foremost God's will be done and that Jennifer can find a family that she feels comfortable with and trusts with her precious baby. Of course, we hope and pray and beg and plead that family is us, but we aren't in control of that. Pray for patience for us and, again, that Jane would see who we are: a family in love with Jesus and with open arms ready and waiting for another baby to love.

I had really struggled with the fact that we got so far along with Zion. Wondering why, if we were going to lose him it couldn't have happened much earlier...why not until we had put up the crib, etc? After hearing about this adoption opportunity and praying about that, it suddenly hit me...if we had lost Zion earlier (or later) we'd would be at a different place in life as far as grieving and the future of our family. But because we lost him when we did, we have this amazing opportunity...I am choosing to believe that is not a coincidence.

We can't thank you enough for your support and prayer!

Hoping for a Christmas Miracle

Just wanted to throw out a quick update on the possible adoption situation. Apparently there were three families that showed interest in adopting the baby. One was ruled out by Jennifer's (birthmother) friend (Jane) and apparently Jane had already kind of decided on this other family. However, the secretary of the church (who has been my only contact point) Jane goes to asked her to at least interview both couples. Jane agreed but the interviews won't be until after Jan 1. Of course, my heart sank upon seeing that Jane had already kind of decided. Now, we are on our knees begging for an interview and that Jane would see how much love we already have for this baby. Please, PLEASE, pray that God would work in Jane and Jennifer's heart, to see our love and chose us to raise her precious baby. We are begging for a Christmas miracle. Please, join us!

We have also decided to postpone the surrogacy for at least a year for financial reasons. It's a lot of money that we just don't have and can't guarantee at this point in life. It hurts to have to do that and while outsiders continue to say, "Oh! That's probably a good idea." or "Yeah, understandable." the fact is, we should have our baby boy here now. The fact that we don't have $30,000 at our disposal shouldn't be the reason we can't bring our newborn home from the hospital. But there isn't much we can do about it. We obviously made this decision not knowing if the adoption would pan out or not, but at least having that hope helped ease the pain of having to postpone the surrogacy. In the midst of so much uncertainty and hope that is seemingly fading I can do nothing but cling to my Savior and hope for the best.

The best Christmas gift to us would be to pray! Please, pray for us!

I'm Thankful?

Sure.

As Thanksgiving was closing in on us I couldn't stop thinking about Zion and how I should have been packing up all the goodies a newborn needs, for his first trip to NE Iowa. I thought about our house that is not selling and getting harder and harder to keep clean. I thought about this baby, growing in a mother's tummy while she's in prison. I thought about how badly I want that baby to be part of our family and how little control I have over that. I was having a hard time being thankful. Yes, I KNOW...I have a house, food, clothes, an amazing family and friends, Seth has a job, we certainly don't lack any material things. But those aren't the things that are important anyway, right? I kind of feel as though we're frozen in this mid-leap state. So much of our life right now is hanging in the balance of something we have no control over. Will our house sell? Are we putting so much work and time into this new house in vain? Will this mother choose us to raise her baby? Will we have more children through surrogacy? Will I lose my mind trying to figure this all out? Probably, though it's not really for me to figure out. All I can do is hang on to my faith and wait. That's not so easy. The thing is, this could all work out SO wonderfully but it could also all go very poorly and based on our recent past, I'm stuck in the negative realm of assuming it will turn out badly. So, I guess I'm most thankful for my faith. I'm thankful for the road that led me to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, because without that, I really might find nothing to give thanks for this year. But because of Jesus I have hope and I am clinging to the promises of peace and good. Sometimes, that's all you can do. Sometimes, even that is hard.

In other news: Anyone want a dog? We got Hammer just a couple weeks after Zion passed away and I'm thinking that was an emotional decision. We had our puppy, Bella when we lost Elijah and I was thankful she was there to keep me company and cuddle on my lap. I think I was just hoping for that again, maybe a puppy would ease the pain? Welp, let me tell you what...I was WRONG! Hammer is actually a really good dog and super cute :) But the mix of a 2.5 year old/moody girl and a puppy is enough to put me over the edge. Grace spends most of the day antagonizing Hammer until he nips at her, at which point she kicks him, cries and throws him outside. Hammer comes back in and the cycle repeats. Constant whining from one or the other. I suppose this is much like having 2 kids, however, I don't like Hammer. We never really bonded so I don't really like him and see him as more of a pain in the butt than anything. Yes, I know I am a cold, heartless person, please forgive me! I admit it was a mistake, based on emotion. It happens...right? Plus, when we got Hammer we didn't know we'd be moving (hopefully) to a house with ALL new flooring, new furniture, no fence, etc. So anyway, Hammer who is a 5 month old Shorkie could really use a new home. If you have any interest, please let me know and I'll give you details. Also, please forgive me and don't judge me :)

We don't know much more about this pending adoption but really ask for prayers. I'm trying my hardest not to think about it and am even having a hard time praying about it because I'm so guarded and scared. So, I'm relying on the prayers of others for this one :) We hope to meet with the Pastor and the mother's friend, Jane here in a couple weeks. PRAY PRAY PRAY!

Grace is HILARIOUS! She's been talking a ton lately and making sense too. Some of my fave quotes.

The other day when Seth came out of our room ready for church: "Ooo, daddy handsome!"

I was laying in bed with her the other night and my stomach growled. (Gasp!) "Mommy! That come out of your bottom? Say cuse me!"

Talking to Hammer about having a party. I asked her what the party was for: "JESUS!!!"

I put her Vikings shirt on her the other day: "Oh! My team shirt! Go Bikings!"

Oh, there's lots more but that's what I remember right now.

That's all I got for now. Trying to get Christmas presents finished up, keep up with 2 houses and 1 moody toddler. I guess when it comes down to it I don't have much to complain about.

The plot thickens...

My mom keeps pleading with me to try to keep our lives on a more even keel... BUT when you live by faith (or at try to) that isn't in your control. We apparently prefer things REALLY high or REALLY low...no in between.

A couple of days ago someone asked us if we would consider adopting again, OF COURSE WE WOULD!!!!!!!!!! We called the Pastor who had the information and know the following: there is a woman going to prison who is 1-2 months pregnant and looking for someone to adopt her baby...don't know much more than that. Doesn't matter, we've jumped on the opportunity and so we will meet with the Pastor and the birthmother's friend here in a few weeks who will pass info along and then the birthmother will choose a couple to adopt her baby. Of course we are jumping out of our skin, giddy, can't sleep excited about this opportunity and are super anxious to see what God has in store. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for this situation. Pray that, (God willing) the Pastor, Jane (bm's friend) and birthmother would see the love we have for children and they would trust us with this precious life. Pray for the birthmother too, she has a lot to deal with and no matter her past deserves love and prayer. I'm crying my eyes out as I write this, in awe of God's provision and splendor at just the thought of being able to adopt again. Next to our bed we have a shelf with a picture of each of our precious angel boys. I look at Elijah's picture and I see Grace. I see how his life was a sacrifice for hers, I see how God worked for the good. I look at Zion's picture and pray that his life would save another! Weather by bringing someone to faith or by adoption, whatever the case may be. We are super excited about the surrogacy and chose that path to provide hope, but the beauty of adoption is being able to help someone else. If both (adoption and surrogacy) were free and we were guaranteed a baby we would choose adoption but in this situation we felt we had more control and less risk if we went with the surrogacy...but WHO KNOWS what God has in store. We know there are more children in our future and we pray that the journey to get there would be blessed.

"My friend, you know how this all ends.
and you know where you're going
you just don't know how you'll get there.
So say a prayer and hold on
cause there's good for those who love God.
Life is not a snapshot
it might take a little time
but you'll see the bigger picture." -- Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

So please, friends...pray for us and our journey!

Of course, we'll keep you updated :)