ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

She's pooping :)

Hang on to your hats, some big announcements are heading your way:

But first...

Oh how the days come and go, one day hot the next is cold, leaves fall, sun sets and rises, we sing, pray and tuck Grace in to bed and it seems moments later she is calling to me to "Open a door momma!" About once every couple months I get what I call the "stay at home mom blues" which just means I wake up each morning with a sigh and wonder how to make today different and exciting. I'm there now...fighting to keep my almost 2.5 year old (going on 16) busy, educated, entertained and thriving. Don't get me wrong--being a mom is the best job EVER! But sometimes...I'd like to talk to an adult, watch something other than Dora on TV and not be a playground for just a few minutes. I realized a while ago that if a stay at home mom got paid, she'd need to be paid the salaries of the following jobs: teacher, counselor, nurse, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper, youth minister, receptionist, accountant, activities director, chauffeur, hair stylist, Pastor, coach, personal assistant, handy man, and so on...that'd be some good money :) But when it comes down to it, being a mom is a priceless job and I wouldn't change it for anything. And speaking of money...we had a meeting with our insurance agent this week to make sure we aren't paying for things we don't need...RIGHT, cause we all know insurance agents #1 concern is us not wasting our money. Anyway, the one thing I learned from that meeting: it is DARN expensive just to live. Life insurance, health insurance, car insurance, homeowners insurance, umbrella policies, mutual funds, IRA's, and child's education funds. And that's all just if you want to live "responsibly." Not to mention mortgage, groceries, gas, cell phone, Internet, student loans, clothes, haircuts, toiletries...all the basics. SHESH! I wonder why there are so many people in financial trouble. K, that was a joke...I figured it out :)

In other news, in case you didn't catch it on Facebook...we signed a purchase agreement for a new house in Gilbert. It's about 3x bigger than ours, 20 years newer and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! The house wasn't even for sale yet but we got word it was going to be and made our move. The house was being completely updated and so there a lots of little projects to finish: tiling bathrooms, trimming, closet shelves, basement carpet, painting and there is no kitchen. Luckily, Seth is a carpenter and we can do all that stuff. So we signed this purchase agreement and are "renting" the house from now until Feb 1, which we set as the tentative closing date. We get the keys Monday and will be spending our free time there working on projects. We haven't sold ours yet, but Bob (the current owner) is very willing to work with us and make sure we can get the house, as we need the money from this house for down payment for the new house, etc. Plus TWO mortgages MIGHT, just MIGHT be more than we can handle :) I'm interested to see how the timing all works out, but thanking God for this opportunity and Bob's flexibility. Please, please, please pray we sell our house ASAP! And spread the word about an awesome house for sale in Gilbert :) Anyway, we are really excited and clinging to God to work out the details.

This Wednesday, is October 27th and the day we had picked to be induced with Zion...a flood of emotions fills me just thinking about it. It's weird to think how different life would be right now if things had gone according to plan...MY PLAN :) We'd be packing our hospital bag, making sure we had proper arrangements for Grace, I'd be frantically finding the perfect placement for each baby item and lie awake each night with anxious excitement. We certainly wouldn't be singing off on a new house or making plans for trick or treating. But alas, God's plan prevailed and here we are...wondering what could have been. The pain of losing Zion (and Elijah) still fills our hearts and always will, but the joy of knowing they are constantly wrapped in the arms of Jesus overpowers the pain now and we can more easily see God at work through our losses. Nonetheless, this will be a tough week. A few weeks ago we were in the car and all the sudden, our of no where, Grace says, "Zion up there." as she points to the sky. I thought she said Sonya so I asked her to repeat it and again she said, "Zion up there." I said, "Oh yeah! Zion's in heaven isn't he?" She continued to look up to heaven and chant, "Zion! Zion! Zion! Miss my Zion. Zion my favorite!" I was in awe. A 2 year old can generally only think about what they see or repeat things they have recently heard. But this was out of nowhere, it blessed my heart to know that her brother meant so much to her and still impacts her life. Proof that he lives, he lives in our hearts and through the Holy Spirit. And as we face the days ahead we grasp that knowledge and the promises of God.

Shortly after Zion passed away Seth mentioned he thought maybe a small "for the better" about losing Zion was that God had a house for us and we were supposed to move before having more kids. You know, the twins. Wait! You don't know about the twins? Well my mom has twin brothers and my dad has a twin brother/sister and Seth's dad was a twin so it was always assumed we'd have twins. But just to up the ante...

WE HAVE BEGUN THE (long) PROCESS OF INVITRO FERTILIZATION w/A GESTATIONAL CARRIER. Translation: a surrogate mother. The mother: Amanda Jennings (Seth's sister). We have spent countless hours praying, talking, researching, seeking guidance and joking around, of course about Amanda being a surrogate mother for us. There sure is a lot of information out there, shesh! On Monday, September 20th Amanda, Jeremy (her husband), Seth and I went to Mid Iowa Fertility for a "consultation" about surrogacy. We were all pretty "for" the idea, but we still had some questions, LOTS of them, actually and prayed before we went in that God would lead the way. And He did. All our questions were answered and any doubts put to rest. We knew it would be a lenghty process and wanted to get moving, but we still were missing 1 piece of the puzzle...the cost. The woman that does all the insurance stuff was gone so she'd have to email us about the cost, etc. Finally, the numbers came in and according to information we were given the cost will be comparative to adoption, including insurance for Amanda, medical bills, etc. We were painfully aware that we do NOT have $30,000 at our disposal and the painful truth is that had to be considered. Would we seriously not be able to have more children because of that? After talking with our parents we were assured that the money could not stop us. They were willing to pull money out of their retirement or whatever needed to be done. So...we took another step out in faith and took the first of many steps. See (beware of graphic material, to come) the sperm has to be frozen for 6 months to check for STD's, etc. before you can do anything else, so we figured we should at least get that started. The whole thing is a little funny to me, because we know for 100% that we have no STD's but thanks to the rest of slutty America :) we have to comply with FDA regulations and freeze sperm too! :) Next, comes the psychological testing. All 4 of us have to meet with a psychologist to be evaluated. We are pretty sure we won't pass that portion :) Then there are legal forms and lawyers, then later this winter Amanda and I will have to be on injections/medicine to prepare our bodies. We are hoping to be able to transfer 2 embryos to Amanda's NON hostile uterus in April sometime. We are hoping for twin boys. Not that I think twins would be fun, but at $30,000 a pop...we're gonna have to start doubling up here! :) Anyway, we are excited about the adventure and praying, above all, God's will be done! Also, that it would start raining cash :)

So there, you have it...the big announcement and all the extras. Can't keep up with our life, eh? Me neither.

Ladies and Gentlemen...WELCOME TO SIX FLAGS!!!

Oh! Wait! No. Nevermind. That's just my crazy life! They seem to have much in common: it's (life, mine anyway:) like a roller coaster with it ups that get the adrenaline going and the downs that make your heart sink. Violent turns and dark tunnels that always turn into light again. It's like a tilt-a-whirl or the teacups, spinning out of control. Am I up? Down? Left? Right? As an army of people stand and watch me spin out of control. Eventually, the ride stops and after a few stumbles you can stand straight again. It's like the little kid begging for some cotton candy...sometimes I just wanna scream and throw a fit cause I don't get what I want but eventually move on and realize it's probably for the best. And at the end of the day...you're tired!

I can not believe it's already mid October and each day is another day closer to October 27th, which is the day we had set to be induced. Though I think that will be a day of great sadness and mourning (like many others) we are feeling very differently than we had been just a month ago. We are filled with hope again and rejoicing that our sons are in their perfect home! Our eyes are now open to the future and anxious to see how God will use their precious lives to bring glory to Him.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, which perhaps you didn't know because the sea of pink ribbons for Breast Cancer blinded your vision. I mean I'm ALL FOR finding a cure for breast cancer (and ALL cancer, of that matter) but the pink garbage cans are an indication that we are all very aware of breast cancer. Don't get me wrong, if we had garbage service I would have been first in line for a pink garbage can. Perhaps, I'm a little bitter because while we talk freely about such things as cancer, heart attacks, car accidents, etc. it seems the subject of pregnancy and infant loss is a bit taboo. It wasn't until after we had lost Elijah that many dear friends came forward about their losses too. There are SO many people who suffer the loss of a pregnancy or baby and SO many who never get to properly grieve because they can't talk about it. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the past few weeks and have come up with a few thoughts: I think a lot of the reason the subject is so taboo is because of the big debate of life and when does life start? To many, a pregnancy isn't even a life so of course, it's no big deal. To many, if you don't KNOW the baby it should be easy to deal with. Well let me tell you...any married woman who has taken a positive pregnancy test knows that there is life inside of her. She immediately begins planning her unborn child's future and has hopes and dreams for her baby. It's real, it's a baby! And when you go in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and hear a very clear heartbeat...that's a real baby! And from that moment on, you spend every second of your life getting to know that baby. And now matter how you look at it: we have buried 2 children, we have planned 2 funerals for our children, we have chosen 2 headstones, we visit our children at the cemetery...that's nothing to be overlooked. My heart breaks for all those who feel they can't talk about their loss and aren't surrounded by the wonderful support we have. I feel called to create awareness!!! Not for ourselves, but to bring to light the value of precious lives lost each day and the grieving families whose dreams are crushed. To create awareness that pregnancy and parenting is not something that should be taken for granted. As we have spent the last couple months praying about what to do next, we have been forced to balance our check books and itemize what we can live without so that we can fund the process of having more children. We've had to compare costs of adoption vs. surrogacy. Do you know what that feels like? Do you know how it feels to think that your dreams could be stolen because you don't have $25,000 on hand? Do you know what it feels like to have to process all that when everyone around you is able to have kids "normally?" I spent many nights crying my eyes out at the thought of not having more kids because we lack an enormous savings account. Praise the Lord, we are blessed with a family who would not let that happen. But it started me thinking about all the people that are faced with infertility/cannot carry children and how many people have to kiss their dreams of being a parent goodbye because of the costs. So...here's my mission:

There had been talk of doing a fundraiser to help us with the next phase of Lorntson babies: Operation Lorntson Babies, we shall call it :) So I was thinking about that...and had an idea. So say there is a fundraiser for Operation Lorntson Babies in which we need to raise $25,000. Anything above that could be rolled into a new account. A fund. A fund which would continue to grow and go to help people struggling to become parents pay for adoption or IVF treatments. It could turn into a whole organization. We could go around speaking to people/events to raise money and AWARENESS of the reality of pregnancy and infant loss as well as infertility. We would name said organization something clever after Elijah and Zion and would use the organization to get into topics such as teen pregnancy and pro life. We would change the world...even if all we ever do is provide enough money for 1 family to go through IVF or if 1 person hears our story and comes to know Christ or begins to see the value of life in a new light. I get giddy just thinking about it. I have NO idea how to start, where to being, who to talk to or anything, but I know God has planted a seed in my heart and I am praying he will do the same for others and pave the way to change the world, on behalf of my precious sons and to the glory of God! WHO'S WITH ME!?!?!?!?

The roller coaster continues as we wait for word on the house situation. I lay awake every night dreaming about this house and praying that God would bless the situation and I believe He will. At this point we are waiting for word on a final price and as we all know...I am REALLY GOOD at waiting. Hence, the no sleep :) Sooo we wait and trust. The same is true with our path to Lorntson Babies. The word is still not public yet, but a process has begun (a lenghty one, indeed).

And during the level, even stretches on this crazy roller coaster there is Seth, the laid back, football watching, loves to eat, carpenter who we look to as our leader and support. There is Sonya, the social bug, loves to laugh, tries to maintain order, mom. There is Grace. Our everything. The light in each day, the reminder of God's power and hope. She's almost 2.5 now and most days I stare at her and beg her to stop growing so fast. She can count to 10 in English and mostly Spanish (thank you, Dora). She can tell you about the seasons. Winter=snow, summer=hot, fall=leaves fall, spring=rain. She, though stubborn as can be with a temper that is hard to match, has a super sweet personality and always hugs her dance and tumble teacher and is always up for a kiss. She loves to tell you how much she misses you and talks about "my friends" all the time. She is good about using her manners and especially loves to "Bless You" if you sneeze. She is LOVING volleyball games and can't wait till she gets bigger so it can be her turn to play. Though she thinks all sporting events are baseball games (thanks Emmy:). Ah, I could go on for days about my precious daughter...but if you've met her you know how awesome she is :) hehe!

I would apologize that my blogs are always so long but you know me...and you still opened it so your loss :)

Glimpses

Ahh...the weeks come and go and for the past few days I've been happy. Happy, smiling and laughing. There are still moments of overwhelming pain at the loss of Zion and my arms still ache to hold my son, but God has given us glimpses of hope and promise, filled us with peace and surrounded us with continual love.

Yesterday Seth and I headed to NE Iowa to attend the UNI vs. SDSU football game. My dad and many aunts, uncles and cousins attended SDSU and my mom, brother and I went to UNI so we've made a family tradition of going to the game. As we were driving, clouds filled the sky and I happen to glance up and notice a great big cloud that seemed a little darker than the rest...I did a double take and upon second glance saw a baby formed in the cloud...the exact replica of an ultrasound picture of a baby. I couldn't believe my eyes...I stared and finally said to Seth, "Do you see this cloud." I didn't even point the cloud out and he said, "The one that looks like a baby?" We just sat there in silence knowing that our sons were watching over us and that cloud held a promise. A GLIMPSE of children to come, our children, our future baby. Earlier in the week we had taken the first of many steps down the path to more Lorntson children. The details are still on hold...wait for the news :) I couldn't stop smiling and thanking God for sending such a wonderful GLIMPSE and reminder of our precious sons.

We met up with my mom, dad, brother, uncle, aunts and cousin and spent the day talking, laughing and watching football. The entire way home I couldn't stop thinking about family. What a wonderful blessing family is and what a great GLIMPSE of God's love for us. No matter what's going on in life, no matter where you are...family is there with their unconditional love and support. We don't all share the same values, have the same talents, share religious beliefs, make the same amount of money, we're all at different places in life and we all have different priorities, but we all love each other. I thought about everything we've gone through with Zion and how being with family brings an aura of peace an overwhelming sense that, "It's OK." A powerful feeling of love that can't be beat or taken away. I pray that each and every person has a sense of family and can enjoy that love. If not, feel free to join mine :) I went to bed last night happy! Really, truly happy, hopeful and refreshed! I was so thankful for the GLIMPSES of hope and heaven!

We have been fervently praying for a house, knowing exactly what we want and knowing timing is everything and there is a good chance we'd have to settle for something. In my last blog I mentioned we wanted a ranch house in Gilbert and shortly after that I received 2 leads on houses that weren't for sale yet, but might be coming up. We immediately moved on one and LOVE it! It's perfect in every way and we have (informally) worked out a great scenario for selling our house/buying theirs, etc. I don't sleep at night because I'm so excited about this house! Now, the current owners had been fixing up the house and in the meantime found another house so their is work left to be done, oddly enough Seth is a carpenter so it'd be great for us. We were going to go to Lowe's today to scope out some tile, etc. and somehow, some time along the way the clouds rolled in and Satan attacked! We had been walking through the details of getting the house, etc. and the question arose - what if we don't sell our house on time? My mind flew and before I knew it I was balling telling Seth to go home! We weren't going to get the house! It won't work out! I think Seth was a little shocked at my sudden change of heart and persisted we still go to Lowe's but I got more and more upset and we finally headed home. Somehow along the way a fight ensued, emotions were high and before I knew it we were both crying, driving home and not knowing why. I called my mom who was able to calm me down and remind me that we are still on an emotional roller coaster. Of course, because of what happened with Zion, we are going to assume things won't work out, negativity is going to out way positivity. I kept telling myself that this house was God's answer to prayer, handed to us on a silver platter...what could go wrong? But all the sudden I remembered being secure with being pregnant and that being taken away. Would God dangle something that appeared "perfect" in front of us and then take it away? It had happened before. My heart was involved and I had let myself trust again...it scared me. Granted, it's just a house...but the principle is the same. I prayed and prayed and insisted Satan get out of my life and that God would fill me again and before long we were at a place of peace again. The fact remains there are NO guarantees in life...NONE. But sometimes, you take a leap of faith, you have to trust and when you really want something...do something about it. I am going to choose to not let Satan take joy and faith away from me and as we head down the path to a new house, a fresh start and more children I'm working on trusting again...knowing that God holds my heart, that He hears my cries and wants the very best for me. That doesn't mean I'll get my way, but that means it'll be worth it. So you know, though it was a rough day I am thankful for another GLIMPSE of the love of family, importance of trust and faith and the strength of a good marriage.

Please pray that God would provide a buyer for our house ASAP!
Please pray God would bless the journey and prepare us for more babies!!!!! :)

Please take time to enjoy your family, look at the clouds and GLIMPSE heaven! Let your heart trust and be positive! Don't let Satan take your joy!

Oh blah dee...life goes on.

Indeed, life continues to roll on without Zion here. Blast it! Of course some days are worse than others, but to tell you the truth, the last few days I've almost, ALMOST felt...normal. I've laughed and played with Grace the way I used to. I don't yell at Seth when he breathes wrong and I find myself smiling and looking forward to things again. I've been thinking a lot lately about how awesome it is that my sons are in heaven! How truly amazing for them to have never suffered a thing here on earth! What is there to be sad about? I'm happy for them! But, I am human and selfish and selfishly, I want to hold them, I want them here. I'm able to smile for my sons and admit that I'm jelous of their lives. It feels good to be able to see a little more normalcy!

-Friday we looked at a couple of houses to get a grasp of what's out there, etc. This is what I learned: If you walk into a house for $200,000 and can't find much to like, you might be in Gilbert. If there are 5 different houses for sale with 3 varying floor plans, you might be in Gilbert. If you feel sick about what $200,000 can (or can't) get you in a house, you might be in Gilbert. We love Gilbert and though we have toyed with the idea of moving, we are here for the long haul. Again, we LOVE Gilbert. Problem is, so does everyone else...hence the high prices! Yipes! It was a bit discouraging and I'll warn you...if you live in a ranch house in Gilbert we may be knocking on your door begging you to sell us your house!

-Saturday we went to Nevada Monument to pick out Zion's headstone. Another sombering "family activity" upon his passing. We had talked through many different ideas about the headstone. Could we move Elijah's and re-do it to encompass both of them? Should they be the same? Different? The thought of 2 matching headstones with our sons names on them seemed cruel, but we could find no way around it. So, as had been done by the funeral home and flower shop...Elijah's record was pulled so we could re create what we had done for him for Zion. Different name and date, slightly different angel/baby picture, but the same purpose fulfilled, a beautiful headstone to honor our sons life.

-Grace is FUNNY! She is a rock star in Tumble Bugs and has mastered the balance beam: forward, backward, side to side and on her tip toes. The spring board is her specialty (it would seem) and just when the teacher convinces the other kids to try this new, more challenging feat, Grace has mastered it and moved on. I was asked by 4 moms today how old she was and they were in shock that my 2 year old was so well behaved and talented. Oh, if they only knew what goes on at home :) She LOVES her dance class and when we approach city hall she yells, "My class! Missed my friends!" She is a pretty good dancer, but is more into freestyle than 1st position! At the park the other day she proclaimed in a very low, raspy voice, "Hey mom! Check out my dance moves." And jumped around like a wild monkey. Another fave Grace quote of the week: when I went to get her from her room the other morning she gives me a big hug and sighing says, "Mommy! I missed you SO MUCH!" It just cracks me up to see these "babies" talking and carrying on actual conversations. Telling me we need to go to the store cause her juice is almost gone or confirming that she gets to watch ONE Dora before nap time. She's just funny...and amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

-Seems like I had a lot to write about and sarcastic comments like crazy, but as Seth's snores come pouring out of the bedroom, I'm reminded I'm more tired than anything. Perhaps tomorrow I'll remember what I had to say...hmmm...

A month later...

I realize it has only been a couple of days since I even got Zion's blog finished and here I am again. A lot of people have been asking how we are doing so I thought I'd just put it out there.

Seth: Seth has been super busy with work all summer and of course, being off work for nearly 2 weeks has put him behind. Most people are pretty understanding, but still everyone wants their projects done yesterday so he is pretty stressed out about that. He does love what he does which also helps in the grieving and keeps his mind busy.

As soon as we got home from the hospital I noticed Seth really clung to Grace and rarely let her out of his sight. He lights up everyday when he comes home from work and she runs up to him yelling, "My daddy home!" Of course, he feels like he has to be strong for us, and he is. He is such a positive person and is easily able to find hope in every situation, which is a great encouragment to the more pessimistic among us :)

Seth has been pretty funny lately saying things like "I don't really have much of a conscience anymore anyway" and when talking about our desire to move he said, "I wanna gouge my eyes out when there are more than 4 people in this room! It's too small!" We have been talking about moving for some time now. Our house was for sale last spring and we planned to build, then I got pregnant and we took it off the market. Now I'm realizing moving would be super stressful during our child "bearing" years and would like to move up a step and then build, Seth agrees but I know he has a hard time settling when he knows his capabilities.

Grace: Grace is still having a hard time at night and during the night, but is getting better. Our friend, Connie gave Grace a bear upon Zion's passing and it plays "You are my Sunshine" Grace loves to sleep with her "Zion Bear" and we made up actions and we sing along to "Zion's song." She still talks about missing her brother and from time to time will ask about the baby in my tummy.

Last week, she started Tumble Bugs and Little Stars Dance through the city of Ames. She LOVED them both and we all know she hammed it up big time. I am looking forward to getting back to a normal schedule with less Dora and more crafts, games, reading, etc.

Me: I am doing OK. I have definately hit depression mode and it takes every ounce of energy I have to keep up with Grace until nap time, when I pray I get a nap too. The other day I went to get a bowl of cereal and stood in the kitchen for a few minutes wondering how to go about it. I couldn't figure out where the bowls where. Seriuosly! I never know what day it is and sometimes I think if someone asked, I wouldn't know my name. I'm pretty crabby most of the time (mostly with poor Seth). I am aware that I am depressed and I try to find joy in the little things and remind myself this will pass. We are going to counseling 2x a week which is helpful and of course our faith and the prayers of all we love make each day a little sunnier.

I have realized I can not handle normal things yet. This past weekend I went to the mall-I don't wanna go in stores that sell baby boy clothes, I don't wanna go places I went when I was pregnant, I don't wanna see pregnant teenagers or people who are mean to their kids. I want to walk up to each waddling pregnant woman and remind them not to take it for granted. I want to stop every selfish teenager/college kid wandering around like they own the world and punch them in the face. How dare people carry on with life! ;) I don't want to follow through with plans we had made when we were pregnant: i.e. the Deal Orchard Fall Festival. We have taken Grace the last 2 years and we all love it. We look forward to it all year. This year, every time I thought about it, Zion was with us, I was super pregnant and wouldn't want to walk around all day, we could pick out a pumpkin that matched my growing tummy and get a baby one for Zion. But now, I can't go. Not without Zion...it's not the way I pictured. I haven't been able to bring myself to go to a football or volleyball game because, again, when I thought about those things I would be attending with Zion and my big belly. I don't wanna go now. Not without Zion. I have literally been invited to 4 small groups now and have no desire to go to any of them. I don't want to be in groups of people because I never know when a wave of pain will take over. Plus, I know I'm not myself and I don't want to expose others to my bad attitude right now. I don't even want to go to Target. Mostly, I want to be home...with my family or friends that stop by. Now, amidst all of that, there are moments of joy. I think about my precious son's in heaven and how they never suffered here, how they have the perfect home we only long for. We talk about the future, will we adopt? What about surrogacy? We talk about moving...making new fresh memories in a new house. Leaving behind the bedrooms that were meant for our sons. We watch funny movies and laugh from time to time. And we can't help but think of how blessed we are.

We are walking through the valley...but we ARE walking and we see a glimpse of light ahead. Sadness is still very prevalent, but we have been able to let go of some of the anger and focus on the God who promises good to those who love Him. We are anxious for God to reveal His plan...we know more children are in our future and are excited to see how that comes about. We have a lot to look forward to in the next year and while it's hard to make plans again, we have to hold on to hope. So, we are doing OK. We are blessed, we are loved, we are hopeful.

Pictures of Zion

If you'd like to see pictures of the precious Zion Thomas Lorntson follow this link:
www.lorntsonlife.shutterfly.com

Zion Thomas Lorntson

The time has come (in a mere 12 sessions of writing) to share the story of Zion Thomas Lorntson. I apologize for the misspellings, random thoughts, lack of order and negativity of what you're about to read. My brain is functioning at about...well...2%. But this is our heart, this is our story, Zion's story....


I'll begin on Tuesday, August 17th...it was Seth's birthday (mine was the next day) so we were all out at Seth's parents for supper and cake. ***The weekend before I had a sudden realization that "WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!! FOR REAL!!! IT WAS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN!!! IN JUST 2 SHORT MONTHS!!!" I went into severe nesting mode, eager to get things ready for Zion's arrival. I went to work ordering a new bouncy seat, car seat cover and a few more clothes. Seth had decided the quilt I had purchased was "too girly" so I ordered new bedding. My maternity wardrobe was running thin so I ordered a few more items for fall.*** Now, back to Tuesday, August 17th...we had been storing the crib in Seth's parents shed, so while we were there we loaded it up and brought it home for Zion. August 18th...It was my birthday and to celebrate (both Seth and my birthday's) we had a few close friends over for pizza. My good friend Tina (who is also a mother/baby nurse) had been eager to feel Zion kick for quite sometime so I downed a soda and the girls gathered 'round to touch my tummy and feel Zion move, that was the entertainment for the night. After everyone had left, Seth put the crib together as I finally allowed myself to pull the tags off clothes and blankets and ponder the perfect layout for Zion's new room etc. Things were becoming very real and I was in power mode to get ready!

We were headed to my parents in Sumner that weekend to celebrate birthday's and I was eager for all my new packages to arrive before we left, especially the bedding so I could show my mom and we could pick out paint colors.

On Thursday, August 19th I had a regular OB appointment, which was to include a routine glucose tolerance test. I chugged the little bottle of orange "juice" 1 hr. before the appt. as directed, took Grace to day care and headed to Des Moines. I even went to this appointment by myself because I was so confident it'd go smoothly, which it did, except, I threw up the orange "juice" while driving and therefore, couldn't complete the test. The PA wasn't worried and told me we'd just do the test another time. Everything else checked out just fine: baby's heartbeat was good, urine tested negative and blood pressure was fine....just as I expected. I headed back to Ames to run some errands while Grace was at day care and was anxious to get home to see if any of the packages had arrived. The bouncy seat came and I was giddy, much like a 5 year old at Christmas and quickly assembled the seat and tested it out then put it in Zion's room before Grace could get to it. I spent some more time in his room going through things, organizing shelves/baskets and even putting a few things in my new diaper bag before I went to get Grace.

I spent most of Friday morning packing to head to my parents and hoping the UPS man would show up with Zion's new bedding so I could take it to Sumner. The UPS man finally came and, again, I eagerly ripped open the package and fell in love with the new bedding. Once Seth got home from work we headed to Sumner. We spent Friday night laughing at Grace, staying up late poking fun at each other--talking and laughing. It was getting late and Zion wanted to be part of the fun so we all gathered around to watch my belly move. My brother mentioned how Zion must be a soccer player and we talked about his big feet, when he'd be born and when everyone would come visit. Little did we know, that was the last time we would see his precious movements.

I remember waking up around 6am Saturday, annoyed that I had to go all the way downstairs to go to the bathroom. When I got back in bed I couldn't sleep...my back was hurting a little and my stomach seemed to be in knots. I chalked it up to the junk I had eaten the night before and tried to get some more sleep, but Grace was up by 8 ready to get the day moving. My mom was going to detail our car for us for our birthday's, so as she did that Grace and I played outside and helped Oma clean. My back seemed to be getting worse but I assumed that was because of the bending, picking up Grace etc. By about noon my stomach was hurting so bad I was hunched over in tears from the pain and I had worked myself up into a frenzy worrying about the baby. My mom was quick to come to my aid and we decided it must be constipation and I tried to relax. By 3pm the pain hadn't gotten any better and we decided to call my Dr. just to make sure, if nothing else I needed something to stop the pain. He asked a few questions and recommended we head to the ER just to be checked. Seth, my mom and I loaded into the car (leaving Grace in the hands of Opa and Uncle Kyle who are both deathly afraid of diaper changing :) By the time we got the ER I was in so much pain that I was sweating like crazy and could only stand by leaning on the counter. I filled out papers and was wheeled up the OB floor where they immediately did an ultrasound. I knew something wasn't right and I couldn't watch the u/s monitor or look at the Dr...when she spoke I was afraid to hear, but even through her accent it was plain as day, "I can't find any cardiac activity." There was no heartbeat...I immediately went into shock. I think that's God's way of protecting us from the immense pain, pain that could kill you it hurts so bad. So instead your body shuts off. I could feel nothing, say nothing, do nothing, while my mom and Seth burst into tears, I just laid there...paralyzed with pain, fear and anger. The dr. proceeded to tell us (whoever was listening) what would happen next: induce labor, funeral, pictures, magnesium, blood pressure, autopsy...all words I heard and had heard before. It all seemed so familiar yet so wrong. SO WRONG! My body and mind were literally numb and as I laid there unable to think or speak things seemed to carry on anyway. I remember very little from that point until delivery. I know we had to make phone calls. Seth called his parents, I called Amanda and a few close friends. With each friendly "Hello" We responded, "I have bad news." and immediate sobbing would come from the other end. Part of the immense pain and one of the harder things to do in such situations is calling people to tell them. Being responsible for telling people that not only, OUR baby isn't alive but they had lost another grandson or nephew. Of course, news spread quickly and before long the phone calls were over...for now. After that, I remember the nurse and Dr. coming in and out, my mom, Seth and Seth's mom who never left my side. I remembering being able to barely open my eyes and see everyone starring at me, I'd make some sarcastic remark and pass out again. I had been given pain medication when we first arrived and later had an epidural so the physical pain was much more bearable. Contractions would come and go and I remember asking how I would know when to push. The Dr. said just tell me when you feel like you have to go to the bathroom. To which I responded, "I ALWAYS have to go to the bathroom." Somehow, I don't think that's what she meant. I cried wolf (or push, in this case :) a few times before Zion was ready to make his entrance but finally after a few pushes at 6:21am, Sunday, August 22nd, our precious son came into this world. As soon as he came out I remember asking, "Why isn't he crying?" No one answered as they took him to the table to wipe him down, so I persisted, "Why isn't he crying? Make him cry!" Again...no answer, but soon my son was in my arms and upon first glance I noticed he had Grace's lips...and my nose and ears. I unwrapped his tiny body and saw he was all Lorntson from the neck down with the lankiest legs, feet and hands I had ever seen. He was PERFECT! I thought that if I just held him, close enough, he would breathe, his heart would beat again. I was his mother, certainly I could fix this! He just needed me! But as we passed Zion's 2.2lb body around to his loving grandparents and daddy, it was painfully clear he wasn't going to breathe here on earth. As each person looked at Zion their eyes told the story. Sheer joy upon seeing their precious grandson/son and sheer pain in realizing he couldn't stay. Soon, the nurse took Zion to clean him up some more, dress him, get footprints, hand prints, take pictures, etc. The hospital has a wonderful program in which professional photographers come in when a baby is lost and take pictures for and with the family. Being it was early on a Sunday, they were having a hard time getting a hold of someone to do the pictures. We assured them that was OK and we all took lots of pictures and continued to take turns holding Zion close as we waited for Opa, Uncle Kyle and big sister, Grace to arrive. The anger grew inside me as I watched Seth hold his son...his second lifeless son, his tears falling onto Zion's blanket. He wanted a son so bad and he got two...but he wanted to keep one here. He wanted one to follow him around wearing a tool belt. We all know Seth loves his daughter very much, but a son...he wants a son. And I do believe he'll get his son, full of life, someday. As we waited for Grace we talked about how to handle things with her. Should she see him, should we try to explain...I was holding Zion when she walked in the room and it was clear that she should know. She climbed onto the bed with me and said, "Baby!" and she touched her brothers hands and stroked his head. I tried to explain to her that Zion had gotten sick and had to go to heaven with Elijah. She didn't understand that part, but i was sure glad she got to see her brother. Shortly after that everyone said their good byes and I watched them wheel my precious son out of the room...forever. As the nurse pushed the cradle toward the door Grace yelled, "Baby! Baby going?" I don't think anyone had the strength to answer her and being 2 years old she quickly moved on.

I know the first day of winter is typically the longest day of the year, but THIS was the longest day EVER! In history! My family left late that am to try to get some sleep, leaving Grace, Seth, Seth's parents and I until more visitors started showing up that afternoon. Later that morning I was allowed to get up and take a bath which sounded like a great idea, but it turns out being alone, even for a few minutes, wasn't what I needed or wanted. It was at least good to be clean, if nothing else. Up until this point I hadn't really even cried, again I believe I went into a state of shock as God's way of protecting me from the lethal pain of the initial news. Some friends of ours had stopped to visit and Seth and Grace went with them across the street to get some lunch, leaving Seth's parents and I. Of course it was then that everything hit me and I started sobbing uncontrollably...for the next week, with few tear free moments every once in a while. Visitors came and went and the familiar faces and loving hugs helped ease the pain, if only for a moment. Amanda, Jeremy and Brooklyn (Seth's sister/brother-in-law/niece) came that afternoon and when they left Grace headed back to Gilbert with them. We were glad she'd get to play with her cousin Jack and be in a more familiar environment but we missed her already. She was our little glimpse of hope in this hopeless situation. Some good "cult" friends of our had come and stayed fairly late that night, which was great because I feared night would be the worst. Eventually they left and I was right...Seth and I alone, in a sad hospital room was horrible. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, groaning in emotional pain and asking Seth, "Why?" Of course he was in no state to answer my question as he, himself was fighting sobs. Eventually I was given a sleeping pill and managed to sleep through the night. We all know Seth slept just fine, with no pill :) The next morning my mom was there early and stayed with us all day, another long day. Later that morning we decided we missed Grace and needed her with us, so we called Seth's mom and our friend, Tina to see if they would want to bring her up for the day. Of course, they did, which was a great help to us. Another day of sitting in the hospital room filled with painful memories, drug on. Later that afternoon the nurse came back in to tell us they had gotten a hold of a photographer and she was going to come take pictures. We were excited to get to see Zion again, unexpectedly! He looked great and it felt so good to have him in my arms again...for a moment it felt like it was supposed to, our son was back...he was just sleeping, right? Well of course, he wasn't just sleeping and we had to let him go again...this time we knew it was for real as the funeral home was on their way to get him. Do you have any idea the horrible feeling of sitting in the hospital room where you just delivered your son, knowing a hearse is on its way to pick him up? The horrific pain overwhelms me just thinking about it again. That's not how it's supposed to be. I kept saying over and over, telling anyone who listened, "We aren't even 30 and we've buried two children! That's so wrong!" And it is. I had had a blood transfusion earlier that morning because of bleeding behind the placenta before delivery. Because of that, I knew they wanted me to stay at the hospital until Tuesday, but I pleaded to go home early anyway. I wanted out of that room...but knowing what awaited me at home wasn't much of a comfort either. The dr. wanted me to stay another night but assured me I'd get to go home in the am. That night Seth and I started to plan Zion's funeral. Having been through this before (which is painful to say, too) I knew what I wanted. Music and balloons! While we were planning, the nurse came in to check my blood pressure and of course, it was fairly high (considering the situation) so then I got worked up about that and they decided to start a blood pressure med, which I knew I didn't need. I needed my son! I needed to get out of there! But for the millionth time they assured me they had no emotional drugs to offer me and started the blood pressure meds. For the next few hrs. they took my blood pressure every 5 minutes, which was super annoying as I stared at the machine every time in a panic that it would be high. It wasn't, it went back down and after another break down and sleeping pill, I was able to sleep through another night. Before I knew it, another Dr. woke me up to tell me I could go home and shortly after that my mom showed up to help us pack and head out. I definitely had mixed emotions about heading home....I pictured Zion's room just how I had left it and I pictured boxes of maternity clothes that I had ordered waiting on my doorstep. I knew getting home meant planning another funeral, meeting with Pastors, picking out flowers, making bulletins, etc. I knew getting home would bring a peace but also create new heartbreak. The nurse that had been with us most of our time at Allen walked us out to the car. She cried as she hugged us goodbye and assured us she was praying for our future and her heart broke for us. My mom, Seth, the nurse and I all stood there feeling a lot but saying little until we finally loaded up the car and drove away. I stared out the window until I finally fell asleep and woke up in our driveway. The first thing I noticed when we pulled up was the baby statue amidst our landscape that we had been given when Elijah passed away. I always plant gerber daisies on either side of the statue, but this year, after I initially planted the daisies they died off and refused to grow the rest of the summer. Until that day...when one bright orange daisy appeared next to the cement baby. I know it was God's way of reminding me there is hope, that He was there and a smile crossed my face for a brief second, but the pain was more powerful than the smile on my face and I prepared myself to walk in the house full of memory of what should have been, Zion.

Seemed like we barely got in the door before Grace was back and the house was a buzz of activity. We met with Pastor Tom and Pastor Larry and Dave and Jan McDermott to talk through the service for Zion, before long Seth and Grace were cuddled on our bed for a nap while I entertained the steady stream of visitors, all with tears in their eyes as they offered a hug and admitted they had no words. With each hug, Facebook comment, email, meal, phone call, text, etc. our burden seemed to be lightened and we knew, if nothing else we were loved beyond measure. We had a constant flow of meals coming in our door and so Seth's family came over for supper and to offer moral support. Shortly after we put Grace to bed a wave of pain hit and I broke down...again. Carol offered to take Tom home and come back and after Amanda put her kids to bed she came back too. She stayed with me until neither of us could hold our eyes open any longer. After she was sure I would get some sleep Amanda left and I headed to bed for another break down. I knew nights would be tough and I was ready for that, to this day I lay in bed each night with tears in my eyes, waiting for Zion's timely kicks that never come, asking why and talking through things with Seth. I wasn't so ready for the waves of pain that came in the mornings. Each morning brought a new wave of reality, this hadn't been a dream, I awake to the same empty nursery and the same stabbing pain in my heart. But before long I hear Grace's precious voice beckoning me to "Open! Open!" and get her day going. Her precious smile and priceless hugs dull the pain and give us hope and happiness.

We spent the next few days preparing for the funeral.

*The funeral home called and asked if we'd like the same casket we used for Elijah and if he'd be buried next to his brother. Yeah, we've (our parents, actually) purchased 2, TWO caskets under 20". They shouldn't even be made and we certainly shouldn't be shopping for them! 2, TWO plots at the cemetery...sure. And the thought of 2, TWO headstones with the names of our precious sons side by side is cruel and feels like a stab in the heart. Did we want an open casket? That was an easy "no" but still painful to hear someone ask...knowing they are talking about my child.

*After we found our Elijah was a boy we had purchased a soft blue blanket with blue dots on it and I would cuddle with it. When we lost him, we buried that blanket with him. So we wanted to pick out an animal or blankie for Zion to be buried with too. I kept putting it off because I knew neither Seth or I wanted to go into Zion's room. But eventually we did and the pain met me at the door. I cried and cried upon seeing the crib we had just put up, the basket full of his new clothes I had been nagging Seth to haul to the washer. I made my way to my new diaper bag where I had packed a few things for the hospital. Inside was a little monkey/blanket/lovey and I knew that's what we should bury him with. We held the monkey and wiped our tears with it as we repeated, "We miss you Zion. We love you." and finally walked out of the room, locking the door behind us. My mom later took Grace to town to run some errands. They stopped by the funeral home to drop the monkey off and as Ann (the funeral director) walked off with Zion's monkey Grace yelled to her, "No! Baby! Zion!" She knew that was her brother's and she didn't want anyone else to take it. Obviously, she didn't know that's exactly where it was going.

*I worked on typing the funeral bulletins, using Elijah's as a blueprint and knowing what I wanted to change. Cause in case I didn't mention it, this is the SECOND time we've done this. My mom and I went to Stables (name changed to protect the innocent:) to print the bulletins. We picked out brightly colored paper then sat on a bench waiting for them to be printed and cut. We talked about the past few days, walking through what we remembered and realized we didn't even know what the date was. Well, turns out we had (and still have) no awareness of time and had printed the wrong date on the bulletins. Oh well....minor detail. When the bulletins were done the man called us to the register. He said, "Is this your son?" I replied, "Yes." And he said, "I can't charge you for these. Just take them and go. Yeah, I don't want to talk about it. I'm so sorry." We asked if he was sure and he assured us, as tears filled his eyes that it was OK. We took the bulletins and left and could not stop talking about how generous that was and how thankful we were for God's tiny glimpes of our sons, through moments and people like that.

*We picked out flowers. Again, referring to Elijah's arrangement to go off of. I remembered Elijah's beautiful flowers that I fell in love with. There was a rattle, a rubber ducky and his name in blocks. Perfect, I'd *like* another one.

I wanted to do a balloon release and our dear friends, the Gelner's, generlously took charge of blowing up all the balloons for us. I wanted music so our dear friends, the Fitzgerald's, went to work ready to lead worship and type up the power point for us. Everyone was so eager and willing to help in any way they could, which was great and made things so much easier.

The night before the funeral was very glum...we were all dreading the day, but knew it would be a peaceful day too. We managed a few hours of sleep before the alarm went off. I knew I had to get up and get dressed...with makeup and everything but it was hard to find the motivation. Eventually we made it out to Riverside where I went into "party planner mode" worrying about every detail. Why wasn't the funeral home there yet? Does the sound man know what songs to play where? Can he do the power point too? Who will hand out the bulletins? Where are the flowers? Meanwhile, people started filing in, each one offering heartfelt hugs as our tears fell on each others shoulders. The details magically fell into place as we greeted people and before I knew it I saw the funeral director carrying a tiny casket past me to the front of the chapel. My son...my precious Zion. I wanted badly to hold the box myself...I am his mom...I can take care of it. Instead, I watched them carry him to the altar where we would pay tribute to his precious life. We filed in, never ready, but knowing it was time to start. The service was perfect and beautiful. There was lots of music. I LOVE music and I relate through music and wanted to share that with others. We sang worship songs:

Be Near

Wonderful, Merciful Savior

How Can I Keep From Singing

There was scripture, my mom read a poem, a beautiful message and more music:

Held

Praise You in This Storm

Before the Morning

Sobs and sniffling filled the background as I starred at my son's casket, singing along with the songs that were playing. Then, it was over and we headed up the hill to release balloons. A dear friend, Dave McDermott, offered up a most appropiriate prayer and upon "Amen" we let the balloons fly up to heaven to greet our sons. As a big white cross stood before us, surrounded by loved ones, the variety of brightly colored balloons made a most perfect image in the cloudless sky. It was just as I imagined.

The moment we all knew would be the hardest was fast approaching as we headed to our cars for the procession to the cemetary. My family all rode together. On the way Grace said, "Where Zion going?" I said, "He's in that car up there. We are going to take him to the cemetary and he's going to go to heaven with Jesus and Elijah." Of course she asked, "Why?" and made a comment about the balloons. I told her that Zion and Elijah were having a party in heaven and we sent balloons to them for their party. She wondered why Zion had to go to heaven. I told her he had gotten sick and so Jesus took him to heaven. She, again asked, "Why?" to which I replied, "Grace, I have no idea." She was satisfied with that answer, but I wondered if she'd ever question why SHE wasn't in heaven. It hasn't come up yet, and I pray it never does.

Finally, we pulled into the cemetary...I quickly forced myself to get out of the car and walked over to the freshly dug hole. The combination of Elijahs' grave, the newly dug hole and the mound of dirt next to it was all very overwhelming and I knew I wouldn't last long. Pastor Tom said a few words and prayed. Then time froze. I starred at the casket of my precious Zion and I lost it. I mean LOST IT!!!!!!!! I put my head on Seth's chest and repeated over and over again, "I can't leave. I can't leave." Before I knew it I was yelling, louder and louder, "I can't leave! I can't leave!" and groaning in pain as I collapsed to the ground. I had no control. I was aware that there were people around me and that they were all starring at me and that my cries were breaking their hearts. But I couldn't stop. I could not bear to leave my son! My sons! That wasn't there home! They didn't belong there! They need their mommy! Before long my close friends had gathered around me, kneeling beside me, holding me and praying. I continued to tell them I couldn't leave, my babies needed me. They reminded me that they had Jesus, they were OK, they would be OK without me. But I wasn't OK, I am not OK without them. I need THEM! At some point reality hit and I knew I had to leave. There were 50 some people standing there....waiting...for me to make a move. So I stood up, turned around and saw nothing but tears flowing from the eyes of all our loved ones. I started hugging people and as each friend wiped a tear away I could slowly function again. I turned to see Grace standing proudly be Elijah's headstone saying, "MY brother! MY brother!" Like she was his body guard. We decided we should encourage her to say goodbye to Zion and then we could go. We walked her over to Zion's casket and explained to her that her baby brother, Zion was going to stay here. She kept saying, "No! Brother me! Brother come me!" and my heart shattered even more as I explained he had to stay there. I asked her to say goodbye and my precious 2 year old daughter, our constant reminder of God's faithfullness, bent over her baby brother's casket, kissed it, put her hands on it and said in her precious little voice, "Bye-bye Zion." more than once. She told us she wanted to bring the flowers with her and we told her we could do that. Seth bent down to pick up the flowers and Grace touched the casket again and said, "Come me! Brother come me!" Again, PAIN as I had to force her to walk away from her brother's graves. After lots and lots of hugs we piled back into the cars and headed to Gilbert Lutheran Church for lunch.

There's nothing like the traditional spread of ham & turkey sandwiches and a variety of salads (most of which contain jello of some sort) to lighten the mood. I was exhausted, emotionally, physically and every other sense of the word and the thought of making sure to hug and thank everyone for coming wore me out even more. By the time lunch started wrapping up I was lieterally half asleep, my head hurt and I could hardly function. We finally cleared the place out and headed home. My aunt, uncle, dad, mom and brother were all there and we visited for a while until everyone (excpet my mom who stayed another night) left. Finally, it was nap time for everyone. We all woke from naps feeling revived but numb and realizing now we had to carry on. We had to figure out what "back to normal" meant. Nearly a month later, we still don't know.

We stayed up late that night partly because I didn't want the night to end because I knew my mom was leaving in the am, but mostly because Grace had been having a hard time sleeping at night. Each time we laid her down she screamed and flew into complete hysteria! Screaming with all her might that she wanted to sleep in mommy's bed, feeling bad we'd let her sleep in our bed, but that didn't help. Nothing would calm her down and her cries put me over the edge into hysteria too. My one earlthy child and I couldn't even console her. This was a struggle for nearly a week. To this day Grace wakes up yelling in the middle of the night and we believe (confirmed by counselors) that she is dealing with what happened, too. We don't have any idea what is going through her mind, but anyone who knows Grace knows that she is smart! She doesn't miss anything and I know she is aware that something went wrong and things aren't the same even know. Every day she makes a comment about Zion, mostly about how she misses him, but sometimes she'll still touch my tummy and say "Baby! Baby in there." And I explain, "Remeber Zion got sick and went to heaven with Jesus and Elijah." Of course she asks why and to that I have no response. A few of the more painful comments: One day completely out of nowhere Grace came over to me with her lip out and said, "Mommy, I sad." I said, "Why are you sad honey?" And she answered, "I miss Zion." Ouch! Two weeks after Zion's funeral we were again gathered in front of a casket, holding my grandma. As we headed out to the cemetary Grace started skpping and telling everyone, "Hey! My brother lives here."

Each day brings new trials and a variety of pain. It's fair to say that for Seth and I, the anger has mostly faded and turned into sadness. We miss our sons like crazy and sooo badly want to hold them. We know we'll see them again, but we want t see them NOW! We know God has a plan but we feel pain NOW. We know God will use this to His glory...that others have been and will be closer to God through Zion's life. But it's hard to care about others NOW. We know that our sons have a perfect life in a perfect place, but we want them here NOW, selfishly. We know we have to have hope, because we know our faith is real, it's who we are. If we could turn our backs on it all we would have, but we can't. Jesus Christ is real! He is our Savior and our best friend. We don't believe, we KNOW! Right now we sometimes pretend not to know. We pretend we don't know or care about God's plan, we pretend we know best, we pretend we are hopeless but none of it's true. We can't kid ourselves. We do have hope and we do trust that God will use this for good...we do. WE DO! But at this point, pain tends to override that knowledge. Our selfishness takes over...but not for long. We serve a God full of hope and a God that can provide a peace which transends all human understanding (Phil 4:6).

We can not possibly express enough thanks to everyone who has stopped to give us a hug, bring us a meal, sent a card or flowers, atteneded the funeral, left a Facebook message, or the mirad of other wonderful things people have done for us. We are truly being carried through this dark valley on the sholders of many friends and family. We are humbled and honored that our precious son, our second precious son has touched lives and changed hearts. We are so proud of our little angels, Elijah and Zion and the joy that have brought to this world! May their memory live on forever.