Oh, HOPE!!!

Let me start with some funny/cute quotes from the day.

*I get out of the shower, pull my underwear out of the drawer and Grace exclaims, "Hey! Jack has those undies!" Looking at the undies with the black lace and tiny pictures of lipstick I ask her to confirm . "Are you sure Jack has these same undies?" Grace: "Yes!"

*As we are rounding the corner to Jack's house. "Whoa! Hang on to your helmets everybody!"

*After going potty Grace says, "I don't have a butt." We tell her this often because her pants don't fit because she has no butt :) I asked her where it went. "It fell off in the potty."

*As I was trying to get Grace to sleep she is blabbing on and on about nothing and suddenly once again points up and says in a whiny voice, "I want my brothers come down. I want them to sleep with us." I teared up and she rolled over and gave me a big kiss.

Moving right along, you will be surprised to find out that this is a blog about HOPE. I've been thinking a lot lately about all the people I know who have lost babies and loved ones and thought, maybe, just maybe God wants us to share about the HOPE that has sprung from tragedy in our life. So here goes nothing. It's probably about time I say something positive anyway :)

I was reflecting tonight about how HOPE, in fact, came to us in the form of a baby. A baby, from the moment of conception is a tiny bundle of HOPE. HOPE for their future, HOPE for the love you will share, HOPE for the life they will lead. The HOPE of salvation for all mankind was indeed, a baby....

A baby = HOPE. Until that HOPE is shattered. I remember very well the horrific, immobilizing pain that took over me after we lost our first son, Elijah (and obviously with Zion too). I remember wondering if I would ever smile again, if I would ever feel happy or grasp HOPE, if I would ever be able to stop wiping tears from my eyes. We prayed and prayed and prayed and were being lifted up in prayer too. We repeated Philippians 4:6-7 over and over and over again.

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God which transcends all human understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Focusing on the peace of God. We needed that. And one day, it came. The peace of God came over us. We couldn't explain it, but it came. And it felt good. And it didn't make sense. But we took a deep breath and forged ahead. Now the pain was not (and never will be) gone, but it was surely a lighter load to bear. We held on to that HOPE and followed where God led. At that point we had NO idea that what God had in store of us would be a joy so much greater than any other emotion ever known. But on June 3rd, 2008 we found out. HOPE was born, that day through a woman named Betty who selflessly decided her daughter needed more than she could give. Betty saw something in us that lead her to allow us the honor of bringing her daughter, our daughter, Grace Eliah home. And in that 3 minute phone call we indeed, felt more joy than ever could compare to the sorrow that overtook us just months prior.

"Cause the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming..."

(Before the Morning by Josh Wilson)

We met our daughter and saw Elijah in her. His life and death had brought us to this most amazing moment. HOPE was alive. In a tiny baby. God had never left us, but was rather, orchestrating a grand plan, His plan, a plan to save lives. We like to think of ourselves as Elijah and Zion's birthparents. We carried them, delivered them and then "let" them go to a better home. (I'd say the main difference is we didn't choose to let them go and honestly I don't know if given the choice that's what I would have picked.) But we can live every day with the HOPE of heaven, the HOPE in knowing that Jesus is holding our precious loved ones and the HOPE that we will see them again.

Believe me, I KNOW that often times HOPE seems far far away, like a dream. But with every ounce you have cling to HOPE and don't let go and I promise that someday the pain will be a memory and joy will overcome you and HOPE will fill your heart again. Imagine being a poor virgin woman and trying to explain to people how you got pregnant. I imagine there was a time of great pain for Mary and what she was going through. But the HOPE that was born months later was certainly, I think, worth it! So we have to hold on and believe in God's grand plan, cling to HOPE and pray for peace.

That being said, I'm still struggling quite a bit with the loss of Zion. I'm having a harder time this time clinging to that HOPE. I know it's there and I know that's what I need...but maybe I refuse to hang on because when you choose to live by faith, sometimes you get hurt. But then...sometimes...you get a miracle.

May you search and find the HOPE in the Christmas season, cling to that HOPE in your life and may HOPE be restored to all mankind.

I've also been thinking for a while about a top 10 list of sorts. A funny/sarcastic but yet true list of things to say/not to say to someone who has lost a baby, struggling with infertility, etc. Here goes. PLEASE note this is meant lighthearted and though they are true, it's just meant as a sarcastic thing...read accordingly :)

DO NOT SAY:
#1. Well at least __________ (fill in the blank. ie. you have one child, you have your health). NO! There is no at least! I want a baby and I don't have one so shut up!

#2. Yeah, it's probably a good idea to wait a while. Umm..no! It's not a good idea, it's necessary. I don't want to wait to try to have more children, I am being forced to against my will. Maybe it's a good idea for you.

#3. God has a plan, trust God, etc. I am well aware of God's plan. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior a long time ago and I am well aware that He has a plan and it's better than I know...but you don't have to remind me. Sometimes, I just wanna be mad.

#4. Well on 16 and pregnant...or teen mom....or any of those other stupid shows. No! I do not want to hear about some kid who got pregnant and is now making money by exposing and glamorizing that life. Some of us fight with all we have for a baby and you accidentally get pregnant and get a show about it. Gross.

#5. He/she is in a better place. Yes, I know. And honestly that is sometimes all that gets me through. But again, you don't have to remind me. I want him HERE, in this place. So unless you can make that happen, hush!

TO SAY:
#1. That SUCKS!
#2. I'm sorry.
#3. You can have my baby.
#4. Oh, here is $50,000 so you can adopt or otherwise pursue a family.
#5. Wow! You look good! :)

I think I deterred from my original HOPE message, but I hope that if you've lost a baby, struggle with infertility (or whatever the case may be) you can find HOPE in stories like ours, in everyday miracles and in the HOPE that was born in a lowly manger so many years ago.

Quick update/prayer request

Hello all and thank you for following our crazy journey!

Just a quick follow up/update from the last post:
I have contacted Jennifer's friend, Jane and requested she meet with us and at least give us a chance to adopt this baby. She agreed and said she would be in contact sometime next week.

Please continue to pray that first and foremost God's will be done and that Jennifer can find a family that she feels comfortable with and trusts with her precious baby. Of course, we hope and pray and beg and plead that family is us, but we aren't in control of that. Pray for patience for us and, again, that Jane would see who we are: a family in love with Jesus and with open arms ready and waiting for another baby to love.

I had really struggled with the fact that we got so far along with Zion. Wondering why, if we were going to lose him it couldn't have happened much earlier...why not until we had put up the crib, etc? After hearing about this adoption opportunity and praying about that, it suddenly hit me...if we had lost Zion earlier (or later) we'd would be at a different place in life as far as grieving and the future of our family. But because we lost him when we did, we have this amazing opportunity...I am choosing to believe that is not a coincidence.

We can't thank you enough for your support and prayer!

Hoping for a Christmas Miracle

Just wanted to throw out a quick update on the possible adoption situation. Apparently there were three families that showed interest in adopting the baby. One was ruled out by Jennifer's (birthmother) friend (Jane) and apparently Jane had already kind of decided on this other family. However, the secretary of the church (who has been my only contact point) Jane goes to asked her to at least interview both couples. Jane agreed but the interviews won't be until after Jan 1. Of course, my heart sank upon seeing that Jane had already kind of decided. Now, we are on our knees begging for an interview and that Jane would see how much love we already have for this baby. Please, PLEASE, pray that God would work in Jane and Jennifer's heart, to see our love and chose us to raise her precious baby. We are begging for a Christmas miracle. Please, join us!

We have also decided to postpone the surrogacy for at least a year for financial reasons. It's a lot of money that we just don't have and can't guarantee at this point in life. It hurts to have to do that and while outsiders continue to say, "Oh! That's probably a good idea." or "Yeah, understandable." the fact is, we should have our baby boy here now. The fact that we don't have $30,000 at our disposal shouldn't be the reason we can't bring our newborn home from the hospital. But there isn't much we can do about it. We obviously made this decision not knowing if the adoption would pan out or not, but at least having that hope helped ease the pain of having to postpone the surrogacy. In the midst of so much uncertainty and hope that is seemingly fading I can do nothing but cling to my Savior and hope for the best.

The best Christmas gift to us would be to pray! Please, pray for us!